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Thursday, October 28, 2010

CONFIRMED: Pat Burrell is The Machine

A few days ago, dong-shot specialists Deadspin ran a video of Giants closer Brian Wilson doing an appearance with Chris Rose on his Fox Sports show Cheap Seats via satellite from his house when a man wearing a gimp outfit casually walked behind him mid-interview. Then later on, during a post-victory NLCS locker room celebration, Rose once again interviewed Wilson, but this time he referred to the leather-clad fella who mysteriously showed up at his house as “The Machine.”

So Deadspin asked, who is The Machine?

After narrowing down the suspects, they decided that the culprit was more than likely Pat Burrell, former left-fielder for the Philadelphia Phillies and Wilson’s current teammate. Now that’s some mighty fine investigative work by the Deadspin boys, because for the last couple of years, I have been sitting on a picture of Pat Burrell in all his gimp-outiftted glory, but never ran it because the guy who gave me the picture didn’t want to get caught.
Well, that was a few years ago when Pat Burrell was a Phillie, and since he’s now with the SF Giants, and it’s basically public knowledge anyway, I’m gonna go ahead and share the picture with everyone…

I don’t really want to go into detail about how I acquired this picture, but it was taken at Pat Burrell’s house in Arizona during a Christmas party in (I believe) December of ’04 (possibly ’05). According to my picture-taking accomplice, every year during his Christmas party — which is attended by a veritable who’s who of baseballers who spend their winters out in AZ — Pat wanders upstairs and slips into his assless-chapped gimp outfit to entertain his party guests while making them feel extremely uncomfortable all at the same time.

I got nothing.

Gamingboy Posted: October 28, 2010 at 04:48 PM | 83 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: giants, phillies

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   1. vortex of dissipation Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:16 PM (#3678234)
T thought that Florence Welch had confirmed that Isabella Summers is The Machine?
   2. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt! Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:20 PM (#3678241)
Do I or do I not RTFA or, in this case LATFP?
   3. RJ in TO Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:28 PM (#3678248)
How am I supposed to react to this news? I'm torn between amusement and horror.
   4. The Essex Snead Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:33 PM (#3678254)
I guess if you're going to take away anything from 8MM, it's going to be the name of the gimp.
   5. RJ in TO Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:36 PM (#3678258)
I guess if you're going to take away anything from 8MM, it's going to be the name of the gimp.

It's either that, or a blinding hatred for the continued existence of Nicholas Cage.
   6. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt! Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:38 PM (#3678263)
OK, I gave in and clicked the link. It's actually worse than I imagined.
   7. RJ in TO Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:44 PM (#3678269)
OK, I gave in and clicked the link. It's actually worse than I imagined.

This is actually the most grateful I've ever been for the work filter.
   8. rLr Is King Of The Romans And Above Grammar Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:44 PM (#3678272)
OK, I gave in and clicked the link. It's actually worse than I imagined.

Honestly, Wilson is still worse to look at.
   9. The Essex Snead Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:47 PM (#3678278)
[5] The guy can punch women in bear suits, become Jon Turteltaub's #####, & name his kids after X-Men villains for all I care; we'll always have Raising Arizona.
   10. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt! Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:48 PM (#3678279)
I will say this for Pat the Bat, he's an instant folk hero in San Francisco now.
   11. Jose is Absurdly Correct but not Helpful Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:48 PM (#3678280)
OK, I gave in and clicked the link. It's actually worse than I imagined.


It can't say good things about me that this made me more interested in clicking on the link.
   12. You can keep your massive haul Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:50 PM (#3678283)
Pat the gimp?
   13. scotto Posted: October 28, 2010 at 06:55 PM (#3678291)
I don't think I've seen 8mm but I've seen plenty of other schlock that Cage has been in. That aside,he's been in some pretty damned good movies besides Raising Arizona. That said, whoever it was who decided that the world needs Cage and Herzog together deserves the same plaudits as the guy who brought Herzog and Kinski together. The combination is fantastic.
   14. Van Lingle Mungo Jerry Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:01 PM (#3678299)
The Machine, Frank Sobotka AND Andy Bellefleur? You gotta love Chris Bauer.
   15. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:03 PM (#3678306)
Good for him. Let your freak flag fly.
   16. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:08 PM (#3678309)
That said, whoever it was who decided that the world needs Cage and Herzog together deserves the same plaudits as the guy who brought Herzog and Kinski together. The combination is fantastic.


I love the iguana scene.
   17. tshipman Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:10 PM (#3678311)
Wow. I really didn't even consider the "The Machine" was Pat the Bat.

I guess we have to call him Pat the Gimp now?
   18. Mark Edward Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:12 PM (#3678317)
I don't think I've seen 8mm but I've seen plenty of other schlock that Cage has been in. That aside,he's been in some pretty damned good movies besides Raising Arizona. That said, whoever it was who decided that the world needs Cage and Herzog together deserves the same plaudits as the guy who brought Herzog and Kinski together. The combination is fantastic.


If you're talking about Bad Lieutenant (Herzog's remake-that's-not-a-remake), it was OK, but I wasn't blown away. Cage was definitely a standout in that film, though I'm not sure if that was for better or worse.
   19. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt! Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:14 PM (#3678319)
So the Giants have a pot head, a gimp, a ninja and a rodeo clown on the roster. It's kind of a fun team, no?
   20. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:16 PM (#3678321)
Brian Wilson is my favorite baseball player of all time.
   21. My name is Votto, and I love to get Moppo Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:21 PM (#3678327)
I thought Cage was great in "Adaptation"
   22. zenbitz Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:35 PM (#3678338)
The 2010 Giants team is festival of Homoerotica.

Bears? check. (literal and figurative)
Gimps? check.
Long-haired girly lookin dudes? check.\*
Rhinestone-encrusted thongs? check.
Jazz Hands? OK, that's probably not really very gay.

I mean, have you seen that Pat Burrell Phillies locker room poster?

It would be awesome if they all came out after winning the World Series. Over Texas no less!


* OK, timmy doesn't really set off my gaydar.
   23. phredbird Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:35 PM (#3678339)
21, i was just going to chime in with that. his performance in that movie really is awesome.
   24. Eddo Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:39 PM (#3678348)
#21, 23: Most definitely. A rather under-appreciated movie on the whole, too.
   25. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt! Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:42 PM (#3678352)
#21, 23: Most definitely. A rather under-appreciated movie on the whole, too.


One of my favorites. It gets better with repeated viewings, I think.
   26. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:44 PM (#3678354)
You think Nick Cage can act, go watch the remake of "Wicker Man" and come back to this thread to apologize.
   27. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt! Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:49 PM (#3678361)
You think Nick Cage can act, go watch the remake of "Wicker Man" and come back to this thread to apologize.

He's inconsistent, but he also takes big chances as opposed to Jack Nicholson who plays the same part in every movie and people fawn all over him.
   28. Lassus Posted: October 28, 2010 at 07:55 PM (#3678368)
You think Nick Cage can act, go watch the remake of "Wicker Man" and come back to this thread to apologize.

A dog is not a judgment. There isn't an actor alive who hasn't been in a crap film or play, often multiples.
   29. Jay Seaver Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:05 PM (#3678374)
You think Nick Cage can act, go watch the remake of "Wicker Man" and come back to this thread to apologize.

Actually, from what I've heard, he got exactly what he was going for in that one - some interviewer asked him about how that movie was gaining a cult following for its unintentional comedy, and his reaction was something like "Unintentional? You think any of that happens by accident?"

Sometimes, you get a weird script or show up on set and realize that you've signed up for a trainwreck. Part of why I love Cage is that he goes for it when that happens and makes the movie memorable.
   30. Misirlou cut his hair and moved to Rome Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:13 PM (#3678380)
There isn't an actor alive who hasn't been in a crap film or play, often multiples.


John Gielgud and Peter O'Toole were in Caligula
Lawerence Olivier was in Clash of the Titans
Alec Guniess was in Raise the Titanic
   31. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:21 PM (#3678387)
A dog is not a judgment. There isn't an actor alive who hasn't been in a crap film or play, often multiples.


I wasn't talking about a crap film, I was talking about crap acting.
   32. Miserable, Non-Binary Candy is all we deserve CoB Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:21 PM (#3678388)
You think Nick Cage can act, go watch the remake of "Wicker Man" and come back to this thread to apologize.


I ain't apologizing for any of this.
   33. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:23 PM (#3678391)
Actually, from what I've heard, he got exactly what he was going for in that one - some interviewer asked him about how that movie was gaining a cult following for its unintentional comedy, and his reaction was something like "Unintentional? You think any of that happens by accident?"


Are you sure that quote didn't come from Keanu Reeves after "Little Budda"? Or maybe John Travolta after "Battlefield Earth"?
   34. Gamingboy Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:32 PM (#3678399)
There isn't an actor alive who hasn't been in a crap film or play, often multiples.


Christopher Reeve in Superman III and IV.
   35. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:36 PM (#3678403)
Richard Burton in Exorcist II.
   36. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:42 PM (#3678406)

There isn't an actor alive who hasn't been in a crap film or play, often multiples.


Only because John Cazale is dead.
   37. Misirlou cut his hair and moved to Rome Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:43 PM (#3678408)
Patrick Stewart in Excalibur
   38. Lassus Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:47 PM (#3678414)
I wasn't talking about a crap film, I was talking about crap acting.

That's an important distinction, true enough. But really, the same thing applies.
   39. PreBeaneAsFan Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:47 PM (#3678415)
He's inconsistent, but he also takes big chances as opposed to Jack Nicholson who plays the same part in every movie and people fawn all over him.


This is true in recent years, but it wasn't always so. He was terrific in a variety of roles in the early and mid 70's.
   40. Van Lingle Mungo Jerry Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:49 PM (#3678416)
Patrick Stewart in Excalibur

Other than the fact that I thought his character's name was "The Undergrass" the first few times I saw it (I know, it made no sense to me either), I loved Excalibur and Patrick Stewart in it.
   41. BDC Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:51 PM (#3678418)
Nicolas Cage in National Treasure
Nicolas Cage in The Weather Man
Nicolas Cage in Corelli's Mandolin
Nicolas Cage in Face/Off

Oh, wait ...

No, I don't really think Cage has a higher percentage of dogs than a lot of other stars. He is a star, that's all, not a very versatile actor. He can take a leading role and make it somewhat bearable; he's kind of a vehicle for you to identify comfortably with as you meander through two hours of entertainment. John Cusack is similar, though he's made more good movies to less acclaim. When he chooses a good script (as in Raising Arizona and Adaptation, I agree), Cage's movies are excellent. I also think he was good when younger in some supporting parts next to strong leading women, in Peggy Sue Got Married and Moonstruck.
   42. You can keep your massive haul Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:53 PM (#3678423)
Christopher Reeve in Superman III


underrated movie actually
   43. JoeHova Posted: October 28, 2010 at 08:59 PM (#3678428)
John Cusack is similar...

Yes, except Cusack is unbearable while Cage is somewhat likable.
   44. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:03 PM (#3678434)
Nicolas Cage in National Treasure
Nicolas Cage in The Weather Man
Nicolas Cage in Corelli's Mandolin
Nicolas Cage in Face/Off

Oh, wait ...


Yeah, you forgot:

Nicolas Cage in Windtalkers
Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider
Nicolas Cage in Lord of War
Nicolas Cage in Guarding Tess
Nicolas Cage in The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Pretty much Nicolas Cage in just about everything except "Raising Arizona", "Leaving Las Vegas", and "Adaptation"
   45. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:04 PM (#3678435)
John Cusack is similar...


Yes, except Cusack is unbearable while Cage is somewhat likable.


Funny, I see it as just the opposite.
   46. Miserable, Non-Binary Candy is all we deserve CoB Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:11 PM (#3678438)
Funny, I see it as just the opposite.


And I disagree with *both* of you ...

;-)
   47. McCoy Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:12 PM (#3678441)
So are those supposed to be the bad Cage movies or the good ones?
   48. Fred Lynn Nolan Ryan Sweeney Agonistes Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:20 PM (#3678451)
Only because John Cazale is dead.

QFT
   49. bond1 Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:22 PM (#3678452)
Does Pat Burrell have a problem with his vision? I was watching his at bats yesterday where he made several swings at Cliff Lee's fastball and wasn't even close. He seemed to have the timing right, his head down right on the ball and he wasn't close to making contact. I couldn't figure it out. I remember asking myself how the heck did he miss that pitch? These were 92 mph fastballs that appeared right down the heart of the plate. If this were 1919, I would have bet he was paid by a bookie to purposely miss the ball.
   50. You can keep your massive haul Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:23 PM (#3678453)
Don't forget THE ROCK!
   51. 57i66135 is a hard word for me. Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:26 PM (#3678458)
am i really the only one who loved face/off?


if that's the case, you people really suck.
   52. 57i66135 is a hard word for me. Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:28 PM (#3678459)
Don't forget THE ROCK!
glass or plastic? GLASS OR PLASTIC!?!
   53. Lassus Posted: October 28, 2010 at 09:50 PM (#3678476)
am i really the only one who loved face/off?

Cage has been in a lot of dogs, but this was not one of them.
   54. Tricky Dick Posted: October 28, 2010 at 10:38 PM (#3678504)
am i really the only one who loved face/off?


I like it. I also liked "The Rock," too. Bad Lieutenant remake--flawed but enthralling.
   55. Never Give an Inge (Dave) Posted: October 28, 2010 at 11:37 PM (#3678528)
Adaptation was great. The Rock was a good action movie. Face/Off was ridiculous but enjoyable, a role perfectly suited to Cage. I kind of enjoyed National Treasure too, despite its obvious flaws.

Ghost Rider, on the other hand, was one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Looking at IMDB, Cage has been in a surprising number of movies I've either never seen, never knew he was in, or never even heard of.
   56. Smitty* Posted: October 28, 2010 at 11:49 PM (#3678533)
kind of enjoyed National Treasure too, despite its obvious flaws.


Why in the world did his dad have a gigantic bowl of sliced lemons in his fridge?! Seriously, supermarkets don't have that many lemons.

Oh, and don't you hate pants.
   57. Golfing Great Mitch Cumstein Posted: October 28, 2010 at 11:59 PM (#3678544)
That said every statement I make is jello.
   58. My name is Votto, and I love to get Moppo Posted: October 29, 2010 at 12:48 AM (#3678606)
I forgot about "Lord of War", I thought that was good too. "The Rock" and "Face/Off" are good, but Cage is nothing special in those two.

I saw part of "Ghost Rider" on television a few weeks ago--Eva Mendes was in it, but it didn't have anything else going for it. The all-time dumbest movie I've ever seen has to be "Charlie's Angels 2" though.
   59. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 29, 2010 at 01:04 AM (#3678632)
Pretty much Nicolas Cage in just about everything except "Raising Arizona", "Leaving Las Vegas", and "Adaptation"


"Matchstick Men" was pretty good. So was "Red Rock West". And I'm not really into romantic comedies, but "Moonstruck" is pretty good if you grade on the curve defined by the genre.

"Face/Off" isn't good, exactly, but it's a fun popcorn movie.
   60. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 29, 2010 at 01:06 AM (#3678640)
I hated, hated, hated "Adaptation", though. Wasn't nearly as clever or daring as it tried to act like it was.
   61. Ron Johnson Posted: October 29, 2010 at 03:27 PM (#3679299)
Ghost Rider, on the other hand, was one of the worst movies I've ever seen.


Yes but Cage wasn't close to being the biggest problem. Eva Mendes is stunningly bad. On my short list for worst performances.
   62. BrianBrianson Posted: October 29, 2010 at 03:38 PM (#3679310)
Pretty much Nicolas Cage in just about everything except "Raising Arizona", "Leaving Las Vegas", and "Adaptation"


His performance in Kickass is seriously great. Not just him in a movie not ruining it. Seriously great. I was tempted to mail him some money, because I'm sure he was underpaid.
   63. Van Lingle Mungo Jerry Posted: October 29, 2010 at 04:01 PM (#3679329)
No love for "Vampire's Kiss"? The man ate a live cockroach, for crissakes!
   64. Slivers of Maranville descends into chaos (SdeB) Posted: October 29, 2010 at 04:07 PM (#3679335)
Patrick Stewart in Excalibur


Wait, wait wait wait wait. Wait. No, wait. Excalibur is not a crap movie. It is around 15th on my list of favorite movies. It's a great movie.
   65. Greg K Posted: October 29, 2010 at 04:19 PM (#3679346)
I saw part of "Ghost Rider" on television a few weeks ago--Eva Mendes was in it, but it didn't have anything else going for it. The all-time dumbest movie I've ever seen has to be "Charlie's Angels 2" though.

My long-time pick was "The Bachelor"

But now I think it's "Two Girls and a Guy". Downey Jr. is good enough in it, but everything else is absolutely terrible.
   66. DCW3 Posted: October 29, 2010 at 04:32 PM (#3679358)
Cage is one of my favorite actors. My favorite performances of his are probably The Weather Man and Matchstick Men (which is one of the more underrated movies of the 2000s). Roger Ebert has written some quality defenses of him:

Cage has two speeds, intense and intenser. I like both speeds. I find him an intriguing actor because he takes chances. He's an actor without speed limits. You want an Elvis who parachutes into Vegas? A weatherman whose viewers throw fast food at him? An explorer of the national treasures buried far beneath Washington? He's your go-to guy.

He is also a superb actor. I cite "Leaving Las Vegas," "Moonstruck," "Adaptation," "Bringing Out the Dead." I have great affection for Harrison Ford, George Clooney and Brad Pitt. But can they go rockabilly like Nic did in "Wild at Heart?" Not that I liked the movie, but it's a good question. With him it's a lion-tamer on a high-wire. Anybody can play the ringmaster.


And from his review of Bad Lieutenant:

No one is better at this kind of performance than Nicolas Cage. He's a fearless actor. He doesn't care if you think he goes over the top. If a film calls for it, he will crawl to the top hand over hand with bleeding fingernails.
   67. Greg K Posted: October 29, 2010 at 04:36 PM (#3679364)
Matchstick Men is one of my favourite movies, might even be top 10, but I always think of Cage as kind of the weak point in it. Maybe it is a product of his willingness to just go all out, but I found his verbal tics a bit unecessarily over the top.

Though once again, I couldn't agree more, great movie.
   68. PerroX Posted: October 29, 2010 at 09:18 PM (#3679595)
The Knowing -- horrible but hilarious. Thank you Nick.
   69. tshipman Posted: October 29, 2010 at 09:24 PM (#3679601)
Speaking of fearless performances, this is my favorite thing I've seen Nic Cage in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYkw-5htPw0
   70. aberg Posted: October 29, 2010 at 10:12 PM (#3679635)
I'm glad someone else is as enthralled by John Cazale's career as I am.

Cage deals in volume, and since I like the mindless action movies like Face/Off, The Rock, and ConAir, I dont mind him (love Raising Arizona and Adaptation, too).

The dumbest movie I have ever seen is a four way tie between Godsend, The Core, Reign of Fire, and Cube 3: Cube Zero.
   71. Greg K Posted: October 29, 2010 at 10:26 PM (#3679641)
I actually brought up The Core once
And before I could finish the sentence with "...was one of the worst movies ever"

Someone said, "yeah I really liked that movie"

Talk about awkward.
   72. 57i66135 is a hard word for me. Posted: October 29, 2010 at 10:37 PM (#3679646)


The dumbest movie I have ever seen is a four way tie between Godsend, The Core, Reign of Fire, and Cube 3: Cube Zero.
THIS ONE HAS LETTERS.

and by the way, cube 2 was much worse than cube zero. zero came up short in explaining the operation of the cube, but i thought it was a decent enough flick.
   73. aberg Posted: October 29, 2010 at 10:48 PM (#3679651)
and by the way, cube 2 was much worse than cube zero. zero came up short in explaining the operation of the cube, but i thought it was a decent enough flick.


Disagree, the general character with the diamond eye was just too much. Although this conversation is a lot like trying to decide whether Rey Ordonez or Ozzie Guillen would make a better cleanup hitter.
   74. Infinite Yost (Voxter) Posted: October 29, 2010 at 11:00 PM (#3679654)
Peggy Sue Got Married is without a doubt the great underrated time travel flick of the 80s. Cage was awesome in it. Like Bob Cri de Coeur says, Cage did well in those days when he had a strong leading lady to rein him in and smack him about some. Turner was a perfect foil because she was so strong and earthy that his weirdness couldn't overwhelm her or carry the picture away.

As he's gotten older, he has become surprisingly effective as an actor in subtler roles. But The Rock sucked donkey balls.
   75. Lassus Posted: October 29, 2010 at 11:06 PM (#3679658)
As long as this is turning into the defacto movie thread, I happened to watch "Gattaca" on Hulu last night. It came out in 1997, and I don't really think I've seen it since I caught it in the theaters. I was almost dumbstruck at how well it has held up. Very stylized film, excellent narrative.
   76. aberg Posted: October 29, 2010 at 11:21 PM (#3679662)
But The Rock sucked donkey balls.


I guess I never realized how awesome it must be to suck donkey balls.
   77. Juan V Posted: October 29, 2010 at 11:48 PM (#3679675)
I liked Lord of War. And National Treasure is escapist fun, which it does really well (the second one, not so much).
   78. Tuque Posted: October 30, 2010 at 12:57 AM (#3679701)
am i really the only one who loved face/off?

I haven't seen it since I was like fourteen, but I used to really love it. My mom actually showed it to me because she thought it was a lot of fun, and she has pretty good taste.
   79. Buzzards Bay Posted: October 30, 2010 at 01:41 AM (#3679716)
#71
Cazale's 'Fredo' sets the bar real high
   80. phatj Posted: October 30, 2010 at 01:43 AM (#3679717)
Leaving Las Vegas was tremendous.

Not a good movie to watch while drunk though.
   81. McCoy Posted: October 30, 2010 at 03:01 AM (#3679742)
I'm actually downloading Deer Hunter as I type this. I'm into a New Hollywood phase right now and I am also downloading Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, Midnight Cowboy, and Mean Streets. I've seen Deer Hunter before and I've seen the ending of T&L but after I've finished watching these flicks I don't really know what to turn to next. I've seen Dog Day Afternoon, the Godfathers, and Taxi Driver.
   82. McCoy Posted: October 30, 2010 at 03:06 AM (#3679744)
crap, a rerun

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