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Friday, May 08, 2009

The “Matt Wieters Facts” website

I had nothing to do with this site, I swear (I just discovered it to today after a Google search). In truth, Matt Wieters created the site when he created the Internet, it’s what he was doing on the day he was supposedly “resting”.

Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 03:57 PM | 222 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: online, orioles

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1. You can keep your massive haul Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:22 PM (#3171037)

Matt Wieter's Mother's Basement Is So Big That You Can Actually Go To A Baseball Game In It.

That one made me laugh.

2. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:31 PM (#3171055)

We Didn't Start the Fire. Matt Wieters did.

3. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:31 PM (#3171058)

April 2006, posers.

4. birdlives is one crazy ninja Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:32 PM (#3171060)

So done with these jokes. I'm more concerned about Wieter's slow start in AAA.

5. Jacob Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:39 PM (#3171078)

Cole Hamels has got one too at colehamelsfacts.com. Any more out there (besides Chuck Norris')?

6. Hombre Brotani

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:41 PM (#3171084)

Someone should do a site that goes the other way.

7. 185/456(GGC) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:42 PM (#3171088)

I thought that there was a Vin Diesel Generator that was linked here once a few years back. The paintings at Lascaux were probably Ogg Facts in pictogram.

8. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:42 PM (#3171089)

Someone should do a site that goes the other way.

What, like Mike Piazza facts?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

9. DKDC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:43 PM (#3171094)

So done with these jokes. I'm more concerned about Wieter's slow start in AAA.

He's batting .375/.444/.500 in May. He'll be fine.

10. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:44 PM (#3171098)

Someone should do a site that goes the other way.

Adam Eaton once threw a pitch, and a batter hit it.

Adam Eaton walked into a bar and it broke his pitching arm. Nobody noticed.

It happens to an NFL draftee every year, but Adam Eaton was the MLB first player ever to be designated "Mr. Irrelevant".

Adam Eaton doesn't wait. He sleeps.

11. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:45 PM (#3171101)

Jeremy Sowers once threw a pitch that hasn't yet landed.

12. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:54 PM (#3171115)

Adam Eaton once created a rock so heavy he couldn't lift it. Everyone else could, though, because it was a pretty small rock.

13. birdlives is one crazy ninja Posted: May 08, 2009 at 06:59 PM (#3171120)

Jeremy Sowers once threw a pitch that hasn't yet landed.

Adam Eaton once threw a pitch, and a batter hit it.

I'm like these a lot better.

14. JJ1986 Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:01 PM (#3171124)

Adam Eaton can't get a hit off Stephen Strasburg or strike out Matt Wieters. He also cannot strike out Stephen Strasburg or get a hit off Matt Wieters.

15. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:05 PM (#3171134)

Adam Eaton's pitches are the fastest in history of baseball. Coming off the opponent's bat.

16. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:07 PM (#3171138)

There's no such thing as a juiced ball, just seasons in which Adam Eaton pitches more.

17. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:10 PM (#3171141)

Adam Eaton once threw a pitch hard enough to go almost all the way through a piece of toilet paper.

18. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:10 PM (#3171143)

The North Korean missile test failed not because of faulty technology, but because the satellite was knocked out of its planned orbital path by a home run Adam Eaton had surrendered earlier that week.

19. bpasinko Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:13 PM (#3171144)

this wont sound funny when typed (or even told for that matter) but I used to like to do this sort of thin in reaction to people telling "college" stories. I once had a real bad headache and took an advil, it said to take one but I took two.

20. Shooty would run in but these bone spurs hurt!

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:16 PM (#3171149)

The shortest distance between two points in an Adam Eaton curve ball.

21. Jose is an Absurd Sultan Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:20 PM (#3171157)

Most Ballplayers Talk About Themselves In The First Person. Rickey Henderson Talked About Himself In The Third Person. Matt Wieters Talks About Himself In The Fourth Person.

I give this one an A++

22. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:25 PM (#3171164)

The shortest distance between two points in an Adam Eaton curve ball.

I laughed.

23. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:26 PM (#3171165)

Adam Eaton isn't aware he's pitching, he thinks he's trying to pick the runner off of home plate.

24. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:26 PM (#3171167)

Many of the world's leading scientists have given up on cold fusion research. Instead, they're looking into harnessing the energy created when an Adam Eaton pitch is hit.

25. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:31 PM (#3171176)

When Adam Eaton gets in trouble on the mound, the manager doesn't send out the pitching coach, he sends out a priest.

26. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:34 PM (#3171182)

Adam Eaton once gave up back-to-back-to-back home runs in a simulated game.

27. villageidiom Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:35 PM (#3171186)

An earthquake is a geological phenomenon that happens when a batted ball off Adam Eaton finally lands.

28. JJ1986 Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:40 PM (#3171202)

Once, while watching a young pitcher, Adam Eaton detected a flaw in his delivery. Being friendly and helpful, and not in the same division, Eaton called up the pitcher and told him how to fix the flaw...right before the 2000 NLCS began.

29. Jeff K. Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:44 PM (#3171211)

Adam Eaton auditioned for "Major League". He didn't get the part as the producers found it too unbelievable that a major league team would employ him, even one trying to lose. On his way home, he stopped by the place he had been most successful to think. The empty backstop in the park had only hit .324/.408/.609 off Adam, but that day it was filled with Tom Emanski and his video crews. That's when Adam found his true calling: the "after" BP pitcher for Tom Emanski videos.

30. Jeff K. Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:46 PM (#3171218)

Adam Eaton has been banned from his son's coach pitch Little League. He has been compared to steroids for toddlers.

31. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:49 PM (#3171226)

One time when Adam Eaton was running late for a game he was supposed to start, he was pulled over for speeding to the ballpark. After explaining the situation to the officer, he was promptly arrested and jailed.

32. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:50 PM (#3171230)

The New York Yankees have dedicated a plaque in Monument Park celebrating their never having signed Adam Eaton.

33. JJ1986 Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:50 PM (#3171231)

Most Ballplayers Talk About Themselves In The First Person. Rickey Henderson Talked About Himself In The Third Person. Matt Wieters Talks About Himself In The Fourth Person.

When Adam Eaton talks about himself, he's "Dennis Tankersley." It's less humiliating.

34. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:51 PM (#3171233)

My local batting cage has three options for beginning baseball players: 35 MPH baseball, slow-pitch softball, and Adam Eaton.

35. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:54 PM (#3171240)

Adam Eaton once promised a sick boy that he'd give up only three homers in the next game for him. He gave up four, and the boy died.

36. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:54 PM (#3171242)

The stadium-building boom in Major League Baseball isn't a wasteful giveaway by municipalities. It was the only way to combat structural damage to upper decks caused by Adam Eaton's curveball.

37. Stevis Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:55 PM (#3171243)

The reason Chuck Norris can divide by zero is that he was once asked to compute Adam Eaton's ERA.

38. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 07:57 PM (#3171245)

An umpire once gave Adam Eaton an emery board on the mound out of pity. It didn't help.

39. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:02 PM (#3171256)

Adam Eaton has been within 26 outs of a perfect game.

40. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:03 PM (#3171258)

Adam Eaton has been told he is to throw some BP to Matt Wieters when he gets called up. The government is worried what this might do to Military Satellites and are begging Dave Trembley to reconsider.

Contrary to popular belief, Adam Eaton is not the worst pitcher in Baseball. However, Sidney Ponson is already being used for the Fat Jokes.

Adam Eaton was born in Seattle. This explains the rain.

41. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:03 PM (#3171261)

Adam Eaton once took a no-hitter into the eighth...pitch.

42. Stevis Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:05 PM (#3171266)

Adam Eaton helpfully includes a stewardess with every pitch.

43. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:05 PM (#3171267)

Adam Eaton once took a no-hitter into the eighth...pitch.

It was broken up when the batting tee hit a double.

44. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:06 PM (#3171270)

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing man that Adam Eaton is a pitcher.

45. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:07 PM (#3171271)

Someone once hit a home run off of Adam Eaton.... during an Intentional Walk.

46. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:07 PM (#3171272)

According to unnamed sources, Alex Rodriguez has been using Adam Eaton to inflate his home run totals.

47. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:07 PM (#3171273)

A batter once unsuccessfully attempted to bunt for a base hit against Adam Eaton. The wind was blowing in, so the centerfielder was able to make the catch on the warning track.

48. Juan V Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:08 PM (#3171276)

MLB has suspended Manny Ramirez for having faced Adam Eaton too many times.

49. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:09 PM (#3171277)

Jeffery Loria convinced Miami to build a ballpark for him by threatening to sign Adam Eaton.

50. CraigK Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:12 PM (#3171282)

The US government is looking into launching satellites into geosynchronous orbit at a cheaper cost by getting Adam Eaton to pitch them to Albert Pujols.

51. Mike Green Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:12 PM (#3171283)

Bartender, I've had a rough day; make my scotch an Adam Eaton.

52. Bourbon Samurai stays in the fight Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:12 PM (#3171284)

33 and 25 have me laughing so hard people are coming into my office to check what the hell is going on in here. This will not help the general impression that I am a huge dork.

53. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:13 PM (#3171285)

Adam Eaton once outpitched the opposing pitcher: A bald kid named Charlie who had a weird habit of wearing yellow shirts with a jagged black stripe.

54. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:14 PM (#3171289)

There is an alternate universe where everything is the opposite of what it is in our universe. People sleep during the day and work at night, green lights mean stop and red lights mean go. Soccer is popular in the United States and nowhere else. Bengie Molina is a speedster, Albert Pujols is a slap hitter, Roger Clemens was a junkballer, Tim Wakefield has a 98mph fastball. Neifi Perez is the greatest player in baseball there. And Adam Eaton is the worst.

55. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:15 PM (#3171291)

When Adam Eaton pitches, they drag the warning track after the 5th inning.

[Not original- this is an old Mike Flanagan line- but worth sharing.]

56. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:15 PM (#3171292)

Every time Adam Eaton steps on the mound, Jim Palmer considers another comeback.

They built PETCO Park to be a pitcher's park in order to give Adam Eaton a chance. It failed.

The Phillies gave Adam Eaton a World Series Ring as a thank-you for not pitching in the World Series.

57. Jeff K. Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:15 PM (#3171293)

Bartender, I've had a rough day; make my scotch an Adam Eaton.

Since Adam Eaton doesn't give up anything but home runs, I have to assume this is a double double, and I have to question your alcoholism.

58. Sexy Lizard Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:15 PM (#3171295)

Following botched Tommy John surgery, Adam Eaton had his pitching arm amputated. The next year his ERA improved by half a run.

59. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:16 PM (#3171298)

Adam Eaton has never been tested for PEDs because nobody cares.

60. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:17 PM (#3171300)

Adam Eaton has been signed to play Charlie Brown in the upcoming "L'il Folks (aka Peanuts)" motion picture.

61. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:17 PM (#3171303)

Damn it. Sorry, Dan Lee.

62. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:18 PM (#3171306)

Adam Eaton is so bad, the Orioles are given a 3-run handicap when he pitches. It hasn't helped. At all.

63. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:19 PM (#3171307)

Adam Eaton once struck out a batter. The Gameday servers subsequently crashed, repeating "DOES NOT COMPUTE".

64. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:20 PM (#3171308)

Like many pro athletes, Adam Eaton can have any woman he wants. However, this requires an elaborate set of fake ID's.

65. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:20 PM (#3171310)

Pete Rose was actually banned from baseball for teaching Adam Eaton how to play. He made up the gambling stuff to hide his shame.

66. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:20 PM (#3171312)

The Rockies considered trading for Adam Eaton, but they'd already spent money on the humidor and didn't want to have to buy a swimming pool to soak the baseballs before Eaton's starts.

(BTW, I can't help but think about how much John would have loved this thread. Carry on.)

67. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:21 PM (#3171313)

Adam Eaton was not born. He was shat.

68. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:21 PM (#3171315)

Contrary to popular belief, Alex Rodriguez never played SS behind Adam Eaton.

69. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:22 PM (#3171318)

(BTW, I can't help but think about how much John would have loved this thread. Carry on.)

John Brattain actually died from being told that the Blue Jays were considering signing Adam Eaton.

(John would have made this thread 10 times longer already)

70. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:22 PM (#3171320)

When Adam Eaton goes out to the bullpen to throw before the game starts, he has to wait for the guy who's going to relieve him to finish warming up.

71. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:22 PM (#3171321)

I'm not sure what Baltimore is thinking ... even Adam's softball team won't let him pitch in the fall league.

72. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:22 PM (#3171322)

An Adam Eaton fastball has a cameo in the new Star Trek movie. Look closely for the white round object that hits the Enterprise while it's in orbit around Vulcan.

Adam Eaton once had a shutout going through the 4th inning. The game was called on account of the Apocalypse.

73. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:23 PM (#3171324)

The Home Run Derby was invented to give Adam Eaton a chance to pitch during the All-Star break.

74. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:23 PM (#3171325)

Adam Eaton's position is listed as BP.

75. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:23 PM (#3171327)

The Seattle music scene didn't collapse in a heroin-induced haze - everybody just gave up and went home in '95 when Adam Eaton turned 18 and started going to shows.

76. Sexy Lizard Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:24 PM (#3171329)

One year Juan Pierre won the Home Run Derby. He had Adam Eaton pitching to him.

77. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:24 PM (#3171330)

Adam Eaton once gave up runs in all 18 innings of a double-header against the Giants, including balking in both winning runs during attempted intentional walks. This was possible because President Bush had ordered Charlie Manuel to field-test the new "baseballs flying over the Pacific" arm of the missile defense system.

78. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:26 PM (#3171334)

Baltimore uses a humidor on the balls that Adam hurls to minimize the damage to cars and buildings just outside the park; however, fans in the bleachers are still encouraged to wear helmets and cups.

79. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:26 PM (#3171335)

The Orioles are introducing "Hard Hat Night" for Adam Eaton's next start. All OF seats come with a free hard hat.

80. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:26 PM (#3171337)

If Adam Eaton and Albert Pujols were ever to shake hands, they would cancel each other out and disappear.

81. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:27 PM (#3171338)

Damnit. Beaten to the punch.

82. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:27 PM (#3171340)

Adam Eaton debuted on May 30th, 2000. It was the most 0s ever seen in a Adam Eaton box-score.

83. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:28 PM (#3171341)

Instead of a shower after (OK, during) the game, Adam has to be re-baptized.

84. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:28 PM (#3171342)

Adam Eaton's baseball card has a "PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT CONTENT" label on the front.

85. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:29 PM (#3171346)

The Orioles have yet to call up Wieters because they want him to learn how to handle real pitchers.

86. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:30 PM (#3171347)

MLB 2009's new "Easy Mode" just replaces every pitcher with Adam Eaton.

87. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:30 PM (#3171348)

On Adam Eaton's baseball-reference.com page, the "Most Similar Pitcher" is listed as a batting tee.

88. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:30 PM (#3171350)

Did you hear about how the Red Sox once considered getting Adam Eaton? They decided against it when they realized they'd have to double the height of the Monster and extend it to all fields.

89. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:32 PM (#3171351)

Easton has recently released a new bat: A "Eaton" bat that lacks a sweet spot ... now Adam has a fighting chance.

90. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:32 PM (#3171353)

Adam Eaton once gave up a grand slam with the bases empty.

91. greenback does not like sand

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:32 PM (#3171354)

Adam Eaton's Base Runs formula has undefined A, B and C.

92. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:32 PM (#3171355)

Adam Eaton's mother never really loved him.

93. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:33 PM (#3171357)

Adam Eaton sucks.

94. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:34 PM (#3171358)

Adam Eaton really wrote Gigli.

95. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:34 PM (#3171360)

Adam Eaton receives his unconditional release every year on Fan Appreciation Day.

96. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:35 PM (#3171362)

Adam Eaton sucks.

Dude, too honest.

97. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:35 PM (#3171365)

Bud Selig is considering an asterisk in the official MLB record book:
Most home runs, season, batters not facing Adam Eaton: Mark McGwire, 70, 1998
Most home runs, season, batters facing Adam Eaton: Barry Bonds, 73, 2001

98. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:36 PM (#3171366)

Hoover is naming their new vacuum the "Adam Eaton".

99. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:36 PM (#3171368)

Umpires are required to have twice as many game balls in games Adam Eaton pitches.

100. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:36 PM (#3171369)

Adam Eaton was the real voice of Milli Vanilli.

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