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Friday, May 08, 2009

The “Matt Wieters Facts” website

I had nothing to do with this site, I swear (I just discovered it to today after a Google search). In truth, Matt Wieters created the site when he created the Internet, it’s what he was doing on the day he was supposedly “resting”.

Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 03:57 PM | 222 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: online, orioles

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101. Guapo Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:37 PM (#3171371)

Adam Eaton is the only major leaguer whose groupies have all taken a vow of celibacy.

102. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:38 PM (#3171374)

There once was a man from Snohomish
Pitching in the Bigs was his one wish
But the balls went flying
He felt like dying
And now he swims with the fish

103. Sexy Lizard Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:39 PM (#3171377)

The Baltimore Sun decided to stop computing Adam Eaton's ERA. This saved so much effort that they were able to lay off 60 employees.

104. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:39 PM (#3171378)

Adam Eaton was the creator and animator of the Slider cartoons on Fox baseball telecasts.

105. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:39 PM (#3171379)

75% of space junk is classified as "Adam Eaton home run balls"

106. Paul M Hates Krispy Kreme Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:41 PM (#3171382)

The heat generating from Adam Eaton home runs is the cause of global warming.

107. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:43 PM (#3171387)

50 years from now, it'll be called the Eaton pitch, not the Eephus.

108. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:44 PM (#3171389)

The grassy area beyond the outfield fence at Kauffman Stadium is knows as "The Garden of Eaton"

109. Jefferson Manship (Dan Lee) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:44 PM (#3171390)

The Orioles scrapped plans for a retractable dome because they didn't want to have to repair all the holes in the ceiling from Eaton home run balls.

110. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:46 PM (#3171392)

Instead, they have a retractable/movable fence and bleacher section. It goes back 100 feet and elevates 50 feet on the days Eaton pitches.

111. Gamingboy Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:50 PM (#3171396)

Instead, they have a retractable/movable fence and bleacher section. It goes back 100 feet and elevates 50 feet on the days Eaton pitches.

And it has had no effect whatsoever!

112. Sexy Lizard Posted: May 08, 2009 at 08:55 PM (#3171399)

Once an Adam Eaton pitch was called a strike. The umpire later admitted that he had not actually seen it, because he had fallen asleep waiting for it to cross home plate.

113. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:07 PM (#3171407)

Adam Eaton was once considered for the US under-19 baseball team, but he couldn't get his ERA under 19.

114. Adam M

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:14 PM (#3171413)

Chien-Ming Wang is the first graduate of the Adam Eaton Pitching Institute.

115. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:21 PM (#3171416)

Before one of Adam Eaton's starts, his manager described his approach to the opposing team by predicting that he would "give them 75-100 at-bats".

(Note: this is true)

116. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:24 PM (#3171419)

Adam Eaton debuted on May 30th, 2000. It was the most 0s ever seen in a Adam Eaton box-score.

Brilliant.

Contrary to popular belief, the Powerball lottery numbers are not random. They are just Adam Eaton's most recent box scores.

117. dirk

Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:27 PM (#3171422)

adam eaton once lost a game of connect four in 3 moves.

118. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:31 PM (#3171427)

On Turn Back The Clock day, Adam Eaton is permitted to throw from 50 feet away, and he has to throw 9 balls to walk a batter. This explains his annual quality start.

In 1992 God removed Adam's pitching talent and formed it into a woman, who now plays in the Kansai Independent League.

The Tea Totallers' streak of division titles ended when GM Dave Littlefield traded Bugs Bunny for Adam Eaton.

119. SUBJ is staring out his window, waiting for spring Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:37 PM (#3171433)

There is a sexual act named "The Adam Eaton", but Urban Dictionary won't list the definition because, well, even they have a line.

120. Tom Nawrocki Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:39 PM (#3171436)

Adam Eaton once gave up a triple to a cotton-candy vendor.

121. The Lovesong of J. Alfredo Griffin Posted: May 08, 2009 at 09:57 PM (#3171451)

Matt Wieters kills and eats babies -- but only because he knows they'll grow up to be Adam Eaton.

122. Steve Sparks Flying Everywhere Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:07 PM (#3171462)

Every time Adam Eaton pitches, the Doomsday Clock moves closer to midnight.

123. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:09 PM (#3171464)

Sports Illustrated once placed Adam Eaton on the cover to see if the jinx would work in reverse. But infinite suckitude plus a little reverse jinx still equals infinite suckitude.

124. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:11 PM (#3171465)

Overheard in the father-pitch league down the street behind the middle school: "Come on, Dad, pretend you're Adam Eaton!"

125. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:13 PM (#3171468)

The Orioles convinced the other teams in the AL East to pay for Eaton's salary, provided he continue to start every fifth day.

126. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:14 PM (#3171473)

The movie based on Adam Eaton's career is being billed as a comedy AND a tragedy.

127. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:17 PM (#3171477)

Ah, Jeff K beat me to the father-pitch joke. My bad.

128. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:21 PM (#3171482)

Pat Gillick has brought four different teams to league championship series, and two teams to World Series titles. However, he is also the only GM ever to sign Adam Eaton to a multi-year contract, making him the worst executive in baseball history.

129. Swoboda is freedom Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:32 PM (#3171496)

Adam Eaton once caused a tsunami when pitching in Arizona due to all the home runs balls hitting the pool.

130. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:35 PM (#3171499)

Eaton's home runs allowed are separated into two categories: with cover, and without.

131. karkovice squad (0OPS) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:36 PM (#3171502)

In classical mechanics, the use of Euclidean space instead of spacetime is appropriate, as time is treated as universal and constant. Adam Eaton's mechanics really #### that up.

132. 185/456(GGC) Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:38 PM (#3171504)

This thread is still going on? My God, it's Brattainful!

133. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:39 PM (#3171505)

The only time a ball thrown by Eaton lands in the OF (and not over the fence) is when he tries to pick someone off at 2B.

134. Shock of the Desert Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:41 PM (#3171507)

In 2006, scientists had a conference and decided that Pluto, in fact, was not a planet, but a "dwarf planet" created when several balls hit off Adam Eaton collided in space and fused together.

135. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:53 PM (#3171515)

Come on, Shock, those balls would have taken years upon years to get out that far; it must have been Eaton's great-great grandfather that served up those ding dongs.

136. Jeff K. Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:53 PM (#3171516)

The original plot of the movie Armageddon didn't involve Bruce Willis or Ben Affleck. In the treatment, mankind turns to Adam Eaton and Albert Pujols. Eaton pitches normally, and Pujols batters the rock with home runs until it explodes. This is accomplished in less than three minutes, which explains the last-minute script change.

137. Jeff K. Posted: May 08, 2009 at 10:57 PM (#3171520)

By the way, I don't want it to go unsaid that the person behind this website, Daniel Moroz of Frost King Baseball, if he is not a Primate, he is a ####### thief. If he read about it in Colin's THT article, whatever, doesn't change things. I hope you enjoy knowing that you're an unoriginal leech. I would say I hope the Orioles finish last for the conceivable future, but, well...

138. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:00 PM (#3171523)

When Eaton pitches, all fielders are required to having a pitching screen in front of them.

139. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:01 PM (#3171527)

Jeff K. -- he at least provides the source (i.e., name of the person, and website) for each line.

140. Shock of the Desert Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:09 PM (#3171537)

This thread is still going on? My God, it's Brattainful!

If John Brattain were here, the amount of posts in this thread would match Adam Eaton's ERA, which is a number that I cannot type since I have to go home in an hour.

141. Obama Bomaye Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:12 PM (#3171542)

Once I thought I had mono for a year. It turned out I was just Adam Eaton.

Seligula instituted a program allowing retarded cripples to dress in uniform and take the field with a favorite team. No one has yet had the heart to tell Adam Eaton it's time to go back to the sanitorium.

In the 2000 off-season, not yet knowing if he would stick in the majors, Adam Eaton took a temp job with the FBI. One day his boss asked him to run an important memo over to the CIA headquarters.

142. Obama Bomaye Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:20 PM (#3171551)

Adam Eaton hates it when players like he and Chris Truby become the subjects of negative Internet memes. But no one really cares what Adam Eaton thinks.

Adam Eaton once hired a prostitute. She hit for the cycle.

Adam Eaton once asked for forgiveness for his sins. The priest booed.

143. CraigK Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:35 PM (#3171570)

Adam Eaton couldn't miss bats if he were blindfolded and in a cave.

144. CraigK Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:37 PM (#3171572)

Adam Eaton got nailed in the shin by a baseball in his living room yesterday

Turns out he was scheduled to pitch BP to Matt Wieters in late July, and one of Wieters's shots destroyed the space-time continuum.

145. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 08, 2009 at 11:50 PM (#3171582)

Adam Eaton once tried to sell his soul to the devil, so he could be a great pitcher. Be he accidentally sold some soup instead. Even then, Eaton couldn't deliver the goods.

146. Adam M

Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:03 AM (#3171593)

On a recent backpacking trip to Yosemite, Adam Eaton tried to pitch a tent. It promptly got hit out of the park.

147. The Lovesong of J. Alfredo Griffin Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:14 AM (#3171604)

Adam Eaton would pitch a fit, but he'd walk it on five pitches.

148. JJ1986 Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:32 AM (#3171623)

Adam Eaton gave up a home run to Manny Ramirez. Yesterday.

149. Athletic Supporter's restaurant with Ted Danson Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:33 AM (#3171624)

Brett Myers' defense? His wife's name is actually Adam Eaton, so he couldn't help but hit her.

150. My guest will be Jermaine Allensworth Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:54 AM (#3171662)

Adam Eaton became the first pitcher to throw with both hands in a single appearance since Greg Harris, because Dave Trembley thought there was a chance Eaton was a lefty.

151. . . . . . . Posted: May 09, 2009 at 01:19 AM (#3171766)

Every time Adam Eaton pees, he gets 6 drops in his pants. Every time.

152. Random Transaction Generator Posted: May 09, 2009 at 01:25 AM (#3171781)

Major League Baseball considered suspending every batter that Adam Eaton faced because they considered it "performance-enhancing".

153. Random Transaction Generator Posted: May 09, 2009 at 01:26 AM (#3171783)

More difficult than the solving the Grand Unification Theory, scientists are struggling to determine how it is possible that Greg Maddux and Adam Eaton are both "pitchers".

154. Swoboda is freedom Posted: May 09, 2009 at 02:35 AM (#3171969)

Catchers for Adam Eaton do not have to a mitt as no pitch that Adam Eaton throws will reach them. Even in warm ups.

155. Swoboda is freedom Posted: May 09, 2009 at 02:37 AM (#3171972)

Adam Eaton gave up a home run to Manny Ramirez. Yesterday.

Adam Eaton gave up a home run to Dom Dimaggio today.

156. My guest will be Jermaine Allensworth Posted: May 09, 2009 at 02:49 AM (#3171977)

Opposing hitters are the only guys who don't charge the mound when Adam Eaton pitches.

157. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 03:41 AM (#3172004)

For Adam Eaton Day, the fans leave their seats after the 1st inning, then return in a few innings, showered and shaved. The first 10,000 through the turnstiles receive an Adam Eaton bobble-head doll that has a severe case of whiplash.

158. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: May 09, 2009 at 03:53 AM (#3172007)

Adam Eaton has no control over his BABIP.

159. Tom Nawrocki Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:04 AM (#3172011)

Jose Canseco doesn't think Adam Eaton has ever used steroids.

160. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:07 AM (#3172015)

Adam Eaton wrote a sequel to Jim Bouton's book. It's called "Ball 430990135581900539831509153"

It has sold 0 copies. Adam Eaton tried to buy 6 copies, but his credit is no good here.

161. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:10 AM (#3172016)

The problem is Adam Eaton took performance erasing drugs.

162. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:13 AM (#3172017)

Adam Eaton tried to make a deal with the Devil to win the Cy Young, but even Old Scratch doesn't have INFINITE powers.

163. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:26 AM (#3172026)

Gregg Zaun's current excuse is that his stats are misleading since he does not get to face Adam Eaton.

164. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:29 AM (#3172031)

When Adam Eaton's fans cry, their tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he doesn't have any fans.

165. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:30 AM (#3172032)

I searched for "Adam Eaton" facts and up until now, there was exactly one, to be found on this thread.

166. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:37 AM (#3172035)

Adam Eaton was once traded for Adrian Gonzalez, Termel Sledge, and Chris Young. Seriously.

167. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:41 AM (#3172037)

Adam Eaton went out walking, but he was sure he wasn't the one.

168. BevaquaVelva Man Posted: May 09, 2009 at 04:56 AM (#3172042)

"We Didn't Start the Fire. Matt Wieters did."

Matt Wieters invented fire, and the wheel.

169. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:03 AM (#3172044)

Adam Eaton misunderstood the phrase, "Chicks dig the long ball."

170. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:06 AM (#3172045)

Adam Eaton taunted the Happy Fun Ball.

171. Drexl Spivey Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:10 AM (#3172046)

Adam Eaton is kevin.
His idol is Spencer Pratt.
He loves Nickleback.
He will be the VP candidate during Jim Bunning's 2012 presidential campaign.

172. Dock Ellis

Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:27 AM (#3172047)

Adam Eaton is so stupid he once stabbed himself in his stomach.

173. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:29 AM (#3172048)

Thank goodness Matt Wieters was there to save him.

174. Shock of the Desert Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:37 AM (#3172052)

He loves Nickleback.

Come on man, that's not cool.

You can make fun of his crappy pitching, but saying he likes Nickelback is just not right. You owe him and his family an apology.

175. You can keep your massive haul Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:39 AM (#3172053)

Matt Wieters is so good at calling games that he will call his little sister on days Adam Eaton is scheduled to start because he knows he can coax a quality start out of the sister.

176. Drexl Spivey Posted: May 09, 2009 at 05:59 AM (#3172057)

"You can make fun of his crappy pitching, but saying he likes Nickelback is just not right. You owe him and his family an apology."

His family has already disowned him. But I apologize if I brought back any bad memories for them.

177. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:26 AM (#3172066)

Adam eaton owes Nickleback an apology.

178. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:31 AM (#3172068)

Despite his every intention to prevent it, even Ichiro! turns into a slugger against Adam Eaton.

179. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:31 AM (#3172069)

Even when batting against Adam Eaton, Jeff Francouer still sucks.

180. Steve Sparks Flying Everywhere Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:38 AM (#3172071)

Some people ask what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object.

The real question is what happens when Neifi Perez faces Adam Eaton?

181. Steve Sparks Flying Everywhere Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:48 AM (#3172074)

Congress once considered changing the National Day of Prayer to every day that Adam Eaton was scheduled to pitch.

182. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:55 AM (#3172076)

Perez swings at the first pitch -- which is above his head -- with a mammoth cut, thus tapping the ball back to Eaton. Eaton fumbles the pick up, whirls around, and fires the ball into RF. Perez circles second and heads for third, which Eaton, surprisingly, is backing up. The ball flies by third, and Eaton scoops it up while Perez races home. Eaton fires the ball home, only to watch in horror as the ball strikes Perez in the back of the helmet, knocking him unconscious just a few feet from home plate. Eaton runs towards the sprawled out Perez, does not see the ball, steps on it, breaks his ankle, and crumbles next to Perez, screaming in agony. The grounds crew is summoned, Perez and Eaton are escorted off the field to only God knows where, never to be heard from or seen again, and the game resumes. Witnesses to this bizarre event never speak of it again.

183. Steve Sparks Flying Everywhere Posted: May 09, 2009 at 06:55 AM (#3172077)

The ACLU once argued that being forced to watch Adam Eaton pitch was cruel and unusual punishment.

184. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 07:08 AM (#3172078)

Adam Eaton lays on his back, his belly baking in the hot sun, beating his legs trying to turn himself over, but he can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.

Why is that?

185. Sleepy was just looking for porta potties Posted: May 09, 2009 at 07:15 AM (#3172079)

Adam Eaton won't be back.

(last 80's movie quote of the night)

186. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 07:51 AM (#3172081)

It's been discovered that if Eaton spins ten times around a bat located behind the pitcher's mound and then starts his wind up, he'll be too dizzy to realize he just gave up another HR.

187. Benji Posted: May 09, 2009 at 08:43 AM (#3172083)

The Guinness Book record for "longest baseball game" was inadvertently broken when the Mets and O's, out of pitchers, were forced to use Oliver Perez and Adam Eaton. In fact, it's still going on.

188. Richard Gadsden Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:03 PM (#3172098)

Adam Eaton's BABIP is undefined.

189. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: May 09, 2009 at 12:14 PM (#3172101)

Dolphins don't want to have sex with Adam Eaton.

190. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 01:30 PM (#3172111)

You lost me on the dolphins bit.

191. Guapo Posted: May 09, 2009 at 01:33 PM (#3172114)

There is an alternative verse to "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" that describes how in the final inning of the game, a drunk Adam Eaton staggered over from the bullpen, groped Katie Casey's breasts and then threw up on a kid in the stands. The verse ends with Katie Casey vowing never go to another baseball game again.

192. JJ1986 Posted: May 09, 2009 at 01:44 PM (#3172117)

When Adam Eaton is pitching in Atlanta, they don't put OBP on the scoreboard.

193. Damon Rutherford Posted: May 09, 2009 at 02:08 PM (#3172124)

When Eaton pitches, Baltimore #######.

194. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 09, 2009 at 10:56 PM (#3172656)

Adam Eaton is going to pitch a shutout tonight.

195. Crispix Attacksel Rios Posted: May 09, 2009 at 10:57 PM (#3172658)

First pitch in 8 minutes! Let's see if this thread was bulletin-board material for Eaton.

196. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 09, 2009 at 11:01 PM (#3172660)

Adam Eaton gave up a homer during warmups.

197. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 09, 2009 at 11:06 PM (#3172663)

Before Adam Eaton home starts, the PA plays "I wish it would rain"

198. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 09, 2009 at 11:36 PM (#3172692)

Wow, the Yankees are horrible.

199. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq., LLC Posted: May 10, 2009 at 12:21 AM (#3172752)

1 hit in three innings so far.

200. JJ1986 Posted: May 10, 2009 at 12:29 AM (#3172768)

Adam Eaton once walked three batters to start an inning with a 9-0 lead.

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