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Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Onion: Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After meeting with his agent Monday to discuss his free agency prospects, Prince Fielder told reporters he was left wondering if he or any man can ever say his agency is truly free.

“Free agency suggests I am able to make a choice void of any constraint, but right from the get-go, that premise is problematic,” said Fielder, adding that it isn’t as if he can just get a job as an acoustical engineer, or even as a professional athlete in another sport.

“In the end, I am not an autonomous entity who can choose a path based on multiple options. Instead, I am one link in a causal chain, so my actions are merely the inevitable product of lawful causes stemming from prior events. What I’m saying is, I’m essentially limited to the 30 baseball organizations in North America; realistic, long-term socioeconomic factors have already decided which cities can support a team that pays the kind of salary I demand; and roster decisions dating all the way back to the invention of the game have determined which teams are in need of a first baseman today—so there are only a few clubs that could logically take me. And human nature will compel me to pick the one that offers the best, highest salary.”

Fielder concluded the press conference by saying that he is essentially a determinist, and that he enjoys hitting baseballs.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 19, 2012 at 07:59 PM | 6 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: brewers, business

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   1. KronicFatigue Posted: January 19, 2012 at 11:42 PM (#4040906)
Halfway through I thought "wth, is this the onion?". I can't decide if i should feel clever or stupid.
   2. Bob Evans Posted: January 20, 2012 at 02:28 PM (#4041387)
I believe he'd be welcome in Japan as well. So there's that.
   3. Tippecanoe Posted: January 20, 2012 at 02:43 PM (#4041407)
Typical vegetarian.
   4. Fancy Pants Handle struck out swinging Posted: January 20, 2012 at 02:48 PM (#4041414)
I believe he'd be welcome in Japan as well. So there's that.

Sure. Prince would look great in diapers.
   5. Javy Joan Baez (chris h.) Posted: January 20, 2012 at 03:17 PM (#4041438)
Halfway through I thought "wth, is this the onion?". I can't decide if i should feel clever or stupid.

I had the EXACT same reaction. At first, I was going to add a comment about how surprisingly articulate Fielder was (when I read "problematic" and then the "autonomous" bit).

But when I got to "causal chain" I started to wonder, and at "long-term socioeconomic factors" I went to check the TFA's source URL.
   6. Bob Evans Posted: January 20, 2012 at 10:14 PM (#4041728)
Prince would look great in diapers.

I'm still laughing. Well done, sir.

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