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Wednesday, February 12, 2020

The Springfield Nuclear Plant Nine: Where Are They Now?

When last we saw the Springfield nine, they were posing for a picture. Thanks chiefly to the bases-loaded beaning of one Homer Simpson, the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team had just defeated the Shelbyville squad, 44-43, when they posed with a sign reading 1992 CITY CHAMPS. As it stands, the photo is the last visual evidence of that legendary team of big league ringers and townie down-and-outers.

Gaze upon it now.

There’s Simpson, still unconscious, and manager Montgomery Burns, who, in the bottom of the ninth, boldly replaced the left-handed Darryl Strawberry with the right-handed nuclear safety inspector. Burns is on a knee, gazing manfully at the camera as our hero lies prostrate nearby. Keep looking and you’ll see those fabled ringers, each recruited by Burns in efforts to win his million-dollar bet against Shelbyville owner Aristotle Amadopolis. Behind Burns is Roger Clemens, arms in mid-flap as he clucks like a chicken. Next is Jose Canseco, uniform blackened by flames. Then there’s Don Mattingly, the sides of his head crudely shaved, and Mike Scioscia, in a hospital gown. Beside him, Steve Sax is handcuffed to sergeant Lou.

Behind Sax, Strawberry is scowling, and why not? Despite his nine home runs on the day, the eight-time All-Star still hit the pine in favor of benchwarmer Simpson. To Strawberry’s right, Wade Boggs is sporting a black eye. Nearby, in a wheelchair, is Ken Griffey Jr., his head grotesquely swollen. Behind Boggs, a gauzy Ozzie Smith is floating in midair. One wonders: What happened to these ringers?

Something for the Procopius fans among us.

QLE Posted: February 12, 2020 at 01:18 AM | 0 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: alternative history, simpsons, softball

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