#### the grim reaper, john for angle of death

God bless you, Meatwad.

Well, I'm off to bed, I leave with this quote from Jackie:

"A life is not important, expect in the impact it has on other lives"

You were important, John.

John Brattain's posts were as decent-hearted and as funny as any on this site. John's presence in even the most contentious discussions was gently compassionate. That's a rare and valuable trait, especially in an online forum. It has been a pleasure to watch his writing expand here and at THT over the years, and I can't really imagine what BBTF will be like without his presence.

That said...

Bottom line--I don’t expect to be down long; on the small chance that things to terribly awry I have made my wishes known that I want the surgeon to approach things “Mythbusters” style and do whatever it takes to blow me up. I’ve taken in a lot of nitro and don’t want it to go to waste.

If I gotta go…I wanna go out with a bang!

Best Regards

John

To paraphrase another much-missed Canadian funnyman named John, I hope the good lord takes a liking to ya and blows you up real good.

We miss you already, and I hope your family takes some small comfort in the effect you have had on so many people. Even if much of that effect was the grave damage you did to our sensibilities with your puns.

Best regards,
asinwreck

He is giving nothing to Neyer, up in Portland, since he did not believe in Oregon donation.

Canadians are more into denim than flannel.

If at all possible, Jim should find a way to collect all of John's archived posts on one page. I don't think he can, but it would be great.

#### the grim reaper, john for angle of death

What does the Angle of Death do? Attack unsuspecting people with a sharpened protractor?

(sigh)

I tried, John.

Best regards,
Textbook Editor

I've been drinking. The irony of my post just hit me.

See, what came so easily to John really is tough for the rest of us.

RIP, buddy.

A cruise ship sinks and the only two survivors are this guy and Jessica Alba. They paddle around in the lifeboat for a few days before miraculously coming to a deserted island. Over time they build a shelter, find food and being two healthy adults are soon "involved". Despite the lack of modern world amenities their life is pleasant if not borderline joyful.

One day Jessica is walking along the beach when her fellow castaway, now lover, comes alongside and walks down the beach with her holding her hand. After a long time of blissful silence he stops and asks Jessica, "Jessica, are you happy?"

Jessica nods, "Absolutely. Despite everything that has happened I am very happy."

The guy smiles and responds, "Me too. And there is one thing that would make me happier still."

"What's that?", asks Jessica.

The guy gives a sheepish look and pulls out a baseball hat. "I would like you to wear this" he states.

Jessica is puzzled. What does a baseball hat have to do with anything? But it's pretty harmless and life has been pretty amazing so she puts on the baseball cap.

Her lover beams and gives her a big kiss exclaiming, "Thank you!"

Several weeks pass and it's more of the same. Still no sign of rescue but their day to day lives are filled with conversation, fresh air and sharing of all kinds, ahem.

And then they are walking down the beach and the guy suddenly stops and asks Jessica, "Jessica, are you STILL happy?"

Jessica smiles easily, "Of course silly", she responds amused at the question.

He shift uncomfortably. "Well", he somewhat stutters, "I am too. Except for one thing. I was wondering if you could do me one thing."

"What's that?", asks Jessica, legitimately puzzled.

Her beloved bends down, rubs his fingers in the mud, and suddenly puts the mud abover her top lip below her nose on both sides.

Jessica is ready to wipe it off thinking it's a joke but her special guy grabs her hands pleading, "No, no. Leave it. I know this is rather odd but between this and the baseball hat I am even more happy. And there are no mirrors around. Only I can see it. And it makes me SO happy. Please???", he begs.

Jessica pauses. This is an odd request. but then she thinks of all the hardships and how wonderful how this man and been and after a VERY long sildence slowly nods her head.

"Ok", says Jessica, "I will wear this".

"THANK YOU!!!", shouts her lover who kisses her cheek in appreciation.

And many more weeks pass as Jessica, now with cap and mud moustache, walks the island to and fro with her castaway soulmate.

Then once again, they are walking down the beach and once again he stops and asks, "Jessica, are you happy?"

After two such times Jessica is a bit concerned but she IS happy and responds in the affirmative. Her boyfriend sighs in contentment.

But he then asks,"Jessica, there is one thing. Just ONE THING, that would make me happy FOREVER"

For the first time in what seems like forever Jessica frowns. She believes she has already given all of herself and more, but he presses on.

"I know this next request will seem odd. But it will be the LAST THING, I swear, the LAST THING, I will EVER ask of you. I promise. Nothing else", and he looks at her with pleading eyes.

Jessica clearly recognizes this could be a huge request but out of curiousity is compelled to ask, "What do you want?"

He takes a deep breath and inquires, "May I call you Steve?"

Jessica is aghast. This is too weird. She starts to stalk away down the beach when he jumps in front, falls to his knees and begs her to reconsider. "please, please", he implores Jessica, "Just one time. Just one time in the future let me call you Steve!" And on his knees on the sand he weeps.

Jessica stands there dumbfounded. Here is this wonderful guy who has helped make a life out of a deserted island seem like paradise asking her to go by a man's name. It's bizarre. But Jessica sees him sobbing and figures really, what is the cost against all of their joy? So she agrees.

And he LEAPS off the ground shouting for joy, "Thank you Jessica!! Thank you!! you are SO wonderful. This is FANTASTIC!! And again, just one time, I promise one time. Just the next time you hear "steve" be ready to respond." he reminds her.

So a few days later wearing her baseball cap and mud Jessica is wandering down the beach when she hears her lover yelling. "Steve, Steve, wait up!!", he shouts.

Jessica is momentarily puzzled but then remembers the agreement so she stops and waits for him to catch up.

Running up her precious love hustles toward and catching up to her somewhat breathless proclaims, "Steve, dude, you won't believe who I am f*cking!!"

The Baptist turns to his wife and whispers nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."

I just called my mom, and told her because of the online death of a member of a community I was part of I wanted to I call to tell her a joke, and that I loved her, and- "ok, what's the joke?"

Good ol' mom.

A concept of heaven: With eternal life, you will never feel the need to hurry through a conversation with someone because there is something else to do. You will always have enough time to do that other thing later.

Given that conception, I hope to meet John face-to-face and chat for about a million years.

And work into the conversation "Wrong hole, buster" about once every millennium.

Best regards,

Doug

What does the Angle of Death do? Attack unsuspecting people with a sharpened protractor?

Don't be obtuse.

(Oh, great. Now there's sugar all over the bar.)

Post 398:

Thanks. I thought that was a pretty well known movie passage to use as a "riff".

Had Howie going................

Don't be obtuse.

Don't you people have any sort of a moral compass?

What? Stop groaning!

The slumlord lets him into the apartment house and tells him the dog is down in the basement. The poor guy goes down the stairs and eventually the slumlord hears all kinds of barking, shouting and general clamor.

Finally, nothing.The poor guy comes back up the stairs covered in bite and scratch marks. He gets to the top of stairs and asks the slumlord,

I swear, I read this joke and laughed, thinking that the punchline actually was "OK, where is the old dog I have to kill?" Only when I re-read it did I realize it was what it was. ("lady I have to kill')

But, awesomely, the joke works both ways!

That's a cute attempt at a geometry joke, #415.

Best regards,

David

Oh you people and your cross-posts!

Vous allez nous manquer, John. Mes sympathies...

Sincères salutations,

Brennan

I didn't know John except for his posts here and his fine writing at THT and other points beyond. Nonetheless, coming across one of his wisecracks or godawful puns -- and his distinctive signature, that extra wink -- was always one pleasure of lurking around here.

My deepest condolences to his family, friends and those in need of the type of good laugh that he could provide -- which is pretty much all of us right now. Best regards, John, you left us far too soon.

JB and Repoz:

Beavis and Butthead do Baseball.

I've got nothing, but I'm thinking no Canadian has merited a New Orleans jazz sendoff more.

Best regards.

Horrible news. Prayers for his family.

Best Regards,
A long time lurker.

I can't believe this happened -- PECOTA only projected a 36% Collapse Rate for John's age-43 season.

Best Regards

James

"Post 398: Thanks. I thought that was a pretty well known movie passage to use as a "riff". Had Howie going................"

I got'cher back, Harvey.
Wife's a Hoosier. Ex-roommate's a Badger.
Back here, it's all close enough......

Just some of the bloggers that John touched...

Baseball Loses A Great Writer And Humanity A Great Person

Goodbye Bones

Baseball Writer John Brattain Passed Away

BDD Loses One of Its Own…Farewell to Our Good Friend John Brattain

John Brattain

A Death In The Family

A Sad Day for Hardball Times, Baseball Fans

Death in the Blogging Family

Good night, funnyman

The World is Less Funny

In Honor of John Brattain

#410

harveys

first time in HOURS i laughed. ah mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

thank you. and i want you to know, what i shoulda told john on sunday - just in case anything happens, i want u to know that i just LUUUUUVVVVVV you boy and you are simply an awesome male human being and your wife is a lucky grrrrrrrrl

That's acute joke.

Bill Simmons would try to make jokes like this, but his friend was better.

I hadn't seen anything until I saw Sully's triangle.

I assume BBTF and MLB will assign Bob Watson to make the historic 500th post.

Repoz,

Could you add those links to the thread's lead-ins?

Best Regards,

Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?"

Johnny says, "I et seven eggs."

The teacher says, "Ate, Johnny, ate. Answer the question properly this time."

Johnny replies, "I et seven eggs."

The teacher says, irritated, "Johnny, it's ate. Now answer properly, please!"

Johnny says, "I et seven eggs."

The teacher, nearing her boiling point, says, "Ate! Johnny, it's ate! Now answer like I told you!"

Johnny thinks for a second, and says, "You know, come to think of it, maybe it was eight eggs I et."

(ducks)

Mr. Brattain, I knew you not, but you were always a pleasure to read. You could somehow be acerbic and kind at the same time. You were critical but never gave offense (at least no one had cause to take offense). You will truly be missed, in ways large and small.

Repoz,

Two others:

Maury Brown, and Jonah Keri on Brattain.

Wherever you are, John, thanks for the years of insightful and witty writings. Graciousness and and a passion for baseball flowed through most every word. Thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.

My condolences to his family.

A representative of Perdue chicken goes to the Vatican to visit the Pope. He tells the Pontiff that his company planned to make a $1,000,000 donation to the church. The Pope was pleased to hear this.

"There's just one thing, your grace," the Chicken Man said. We'd like you to change the prayer from "We thank thee lord for our daily bread, to we thank thee Lord for our daily chicken."

The Pope is appalled. He throws the Chicken Man out of his office.

A few weeks later the Chicken Man is back. This time he has a donation of $20,000,000 his company will make. Same offer, though: to get the money, the church must change the prayer.

The Pope is steadfast. After all, it is the word of the Lord here. Chicken Man must go home disappointed again.

Finally, a few months pass and Chicken Man returns for a third try. They've leveraged the company to the hilt, and have one final offer: change the prayer for a grant of $500,000,000.

The Pope is stunned by the dollar amount. He doesn't say anything - he's just speechless. After enough silence, the Chicken Man leaves, giving the Pontiff his card.

The Pope calls a big conference of all the most important church leaders and hierarchy. He has big news for them, he says.

He begins the Papal conclave by telling them he has good news, and he has some bad news. The good news: he just secured a grant of $500 million for the church. The hierarchy is very glad to hear that indeed. Then the turn to the Pope and ask: "but what's the bad news?"

"I lost the Wonder Bread account."

With 430 comments, there are quite a lot of people here (despite a lot of us making more than one post). Everyone -- everyone -- agrees on John's qualities: his sense of humor, his inability to get flustered when people are criticizing or arguing with him, his genuine care for everyone he came in contact with, his fresh take on the hot topics, his unique voice...

That's hard to do. Most of us stat-heads know how freaking improbable it is to get 200+ "samples" to all say the same thing. There's got to be one outlier somewhere. Nope. I have never seen any such criticisms of John even if no one agreed with him all the time (mostly thanks to the members of JeffreyLoriaFanClub.com).

I wish I was, or could be such a person. Alas, I am much too flawed to jump over the bar John has set. John was like the brainiac in the class who throws off the curve for everyone else. He was in the 99th percentile of decent human beings.

You know what might have been John's best attribute:

He could disagree without ever being disagreeable.

That sounds minor, but it's very rare and a quality worth treasuring. Not many people can do that, but John always did it. I don't think I ever heard him get out of line. Even when he was impassioned about a subject, he came off like a good man - even if you disagreed with him.

How many people on the internet can you say that about? How many people in real life can you say that about? One less such soul after today.

He could disagree without ever being disagreeable.

How many people on the internet can you say that about?

Well, Dial and Nieporent for starters.

An older gentleman, a nature lover, who lives in Florida has found a way to keep dolphins alive forever in his pool, and it's simple: feed them baby seagulls. If he does, and he has for years, his dolphins never age and never get sick.

One morning he wakes up to an alert on his clock radio about a lion that escaped from a local zoo. The reporter says that while the public should be on the lookout, the lion is old and doesn't have many teeth, so it probably doesn't pose too much of a threat. The gentleman makes a note of it and heads off to the beach.

On the beach, burlap sack in hand, he rounds up some baby seagulls and takes them back home. When he gets home, he is astonished to find the lion relaxing across his front walk, blocking entry to his house, and to the dolphins in the pool behind. Summoning up his courage, he steps over the lion.

The lion looks up at the man, yawns, and puts his head back down.

The man lets out a sigh of relief and starts towards his door. Suddenly, a police officer appears from behind the bushes and cuffs him.

"What's the charge?" asks the man, dumbfounded.

"The charge," says the officer, "is this: transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises."

Best regards,

Ted

I just want everyone to know that if *I* happen to die an untimely death, I'm signing up for a job as a Reaper and oming back for all the BBTF Mets fans.

Dial, Sam M., Russlan, et al...consider yourself warned.

Pshaw. We've lived through M. Donald Grant, Steve Phillips, and Jim Duquette. The combination of all of them in one lifetime is surely worse than any hell you're gonna sweep me off to, pal. Do your worst.

Now. A few years back, Queen Elizabeth and Princess Diana decided to go out for a ride in the Royal limo through the streets of London -- just the two of them, no driver. Girls night out, so to speak. Well, wouldn't you know it, as they are cruising around on the East End, they are accosted by a gunman who recognizes them even through the dark and tinted glass. He forces them out of the car and is amazed to realize they have absolutely NO security with them.

"This is awesome," he says. "You two are richest women in England. This is my lucky day! Diana -- I've seen that ring that Charles gave you. It's got diamonds and rubies -- it's gold. Oh, Christ. It's got to be worth millions. Give me that damn ring, and I'll never have to work another day in my life!"

Diana looks nervously at the guy, and responds, "I'm sorry, but the ring is far too valuable to wear just about, and I never wear it out of the palace. I'm afraid you'll have to settle for something else."

"Damnit!!! OK, OK. Let me think. Alright, Queen. That tiara of yours. It's priceless! All those jewels, history -- even stolen, I'll be able to get millions for it! Give me that ####### tiara!"

The Queen, calm as can be, looks at the guy, and says, "Well, young man, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I would never dream of wearing that tiara outside the palace. And even there, only on state occasions. You'll just have to accept something else for your troubles."

"####! That's it. Fine. Step away from the ####### car. It's the royal damn limo, it's not exactly the royal tiara, but it's something. I'll take the car."

And with that, the Queen and Princess Diana stepped away from their car, and the robber hopped in and drove off. With a puzzled look, Queen Elizabeth turned to Princess Di and asked, "Di, you know, I could have sworn that when we left that palace, you were wearing that ring. What happened to it???"

"Well, your Highness. When I saw that man with that gun, I knew immediately he'd go for my ring, and I could NOT let him get away with it. So to protect it, I stuck it up my private parts."

"Oh, that was excellent thinking, Diana. Excellent!"

With an equally quizzical expression, Diana turned to the Queen. "Your Majesty, correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you wearing the tiara when we got into the car? What did you do with it?"

The Queen giggled slightly, almost embarrassed. "Well, yes, Diana, I was wearing it. And, like you, I saw him, and knew that the tiara HAD to be protected. So . . . well, I stuck it up my private parts."

There was a slight pause, and the Queen then turned to Diana and said, "You know, it's too bad Margaret wasn't here. We could have saved the Rolls, too."

Unfortunately, all the jokes I can think of right now are kind of ####### dirty for this environment.

Best Regards,

Linus.

"Vous allez nous manquer, John. Mes sympathies... Sincères salutations, Brennan"

Who's Brennan?

Terrible terrible. I saw this posted when no one had commented. I really didn't know what to say. Still don't.

I saw this post and my first thoughts were: "Jeter's going to play short in 2013?!?"

Alas, the news was far more tragic than even that grim fate. I immediately thought of John as Bones McCoy and nearly lost it immediately when I thought of how much I would miss seeing him around here. Even at his lamest John's posts brightened up a thread, and he will be sorely missed as perhaps my all-time favorite BTF contributor. Having lost family recently, I send my condolences to his family who must go on without a great part of their lives, because it is they who suffer the most. The internet is a strange place; you don't share memories of palling around with your friends and yet their loss is just as terrible. Maybe even moreso with John, whose goodness was surely an outlier the likes of Norm Cash.

Best Regards

Mike

After my brother died in 2001, I dove into researching baseball to take my mind off of the grief. I stumbled upon Baseball Reference, and onto Baseball Primer shortly afterward. It's amazing the ways in which my life has changed during the eight years I have been a part of this community.

John's voice was one of the constants through the years. There was a element of almost uncommon grace in his writing that made it clear this was someone who loved life. It seems overwrought to say his writing was life-affirming, but there was a deeply-felt humanity that underpinned even his one-liners about David Samson. He was simply a joy to read and, despite never having exchanged a word with him, I somehow felt I knew he was a wonderful person. This place was made brighter by his touch.

Coming in late here. I was pointed here via Jon Weisman's blog, via Jonah Keri (see #432). Folks, this is not purely local news.... lots of people appreciated John.

Since this is obviously going to be a Great Primer Thread, I have added a wiki entry to Wiki Gonzalez for it, and edited the one about John Brattain. Edit as you will. I tried to hit the high points. He might not be entered into Wikipedia (haven't checked yet), but he obviously should be in our wiki.


This news hits me unexpectedly. I was on a baseball vacation last week and picked up the THT Annual for the plane ride home. Generally the offseason threads here about awards and HOF voting are mind-numbing and unreadable to me, and that goes double for print articles. I read his piece on "The Pujols Awards" and was plenty pleased that it was really enjoyable, straddling the line between seriousness and whimsy that characterized his posts here. I was struck by his use of "The Samsons" and the references here about his beef with David Samson. It was totally him.

I agree with all of you above that he posted here with good graces. I remember teasing him here when he was discussing something Canadian-wise and I referred to him as "Jean." He responded graciously and teasingly as Jean. Now I'm unsure whether his given name was Jean. Was he French-Canadian?

Anyway,

R.I.P., "Jean"

John, the best thing you ever did for me happened today: you made me think about how I hope to be remembered, when my time comes. What a remarkable person you are. Thank you.

So several years ago a mother from Oklahoma had to give up her twin boys to adoption. She had been addicted to smack, was destitute, and in one moment of lucidity, appreciated she needed to give her baby boys the chance for a better life.

Sixteen years later, she'd cleaned up her life, has a stable income as a teacher, and wants to meet her children and let them know that she loves them and wish them well.

She learned from the adoption agency that since her boys were born addicted to drugs, they struggled to find adoptive homes for them in America, and finally found adoptive parents over seas. One of the boys went to a family in Spain, she learns. After clearing all the legal hurdles and a bit of help from the American embassy, she arranges to see this son, who has been given the traditional Spanish name Juan. They have a happy reunion, but the mother remained unable to track down the other twin.

Finally, earlier this year she learns that the other boy was adopted by a Moroccan family. The Moroccan government is much more hesitant to let her reunite with her child, and the U.S. Government is not as willing to press the issue. She tries to take the U.S. to court to compel them to help her reunite with her child. All she knows about the boy is that he's in good health and has been given the traditional Moroccan name Ahmal. The mother is sobbing in court about how she just wants to see her boy, to look in his eyes. The judge, exasperated that he has lost control of the court says "Look lady, what's the big deal? If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Oh and

Best Regards,

Trans.

"The charge," says the officer, "is this: transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises."

It is not possible to groan loudly enough at that one.

I write for a living. I wish I could write as well as John did.
I also come up short when it comes to telling jokes (I really need to add that Jessica Alba story to my repertoire), so I'll just borrow one from my 3-year-old.
"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"
"To get to the other slide."

Best regards,

Tarp

Who among us go back w/John's columns ten plus years?
Before Primer, BP, HBT, BDD..

What was the name of that zine, it was part of the TOPK.com family of sports sites...

Would be great to get ALL of his stuff all in one place, as a tribute to the guy.. Would mean alot to his family, I'm sure.

My lying eyes... for a while, they saw the last post in this thread as made by The Bones McCoy of THT...

this is devastating, he was one of my favorite posters on here, and as mentioned was open to criticism without holding a grudge. If there was a thread that I didn't care too much about the subject I would skim over the comments and stop to read anything with the his best regards format. Can't do a joke (was never one of my strong points)

My condolences to his family and friends.

Well played, Transmission (especially if you don't know any Irish people).

Also well played:

"whose goodness was surely an outlier the likes of Norm Cash."

.........

"I write for a living."

Me too.

If it adds anything at all to this tribute, well, there it is.

Has anyone identified his last post here yet? Apparently it was made Sunday PM? I don;t know why but it seems it would interesting to see it.

Injustice: we mourn John, yet Steve Garvey still walks the earth.

Best Regards

James

Has anyone identified his last post here yet? Apparently it was made Sunday PM? I don;t know why but it seems it would interesting to see it.

Apparently this was it:

"See ya on the other side…

This will be my last post for a little while–I go under the knife for the ol’ ticker at 7:15 AM Monday. Again, thanks for all the notes and well-wishes; once I’m fixed…er, repaired, I’ll be back with a vengeance. I’ve submitted a column for SMSN Sports that will run next week–beyond that it’s wait-and-see. Regardless, I’ve been a busy boy this week and here’s the latest:"

John will be deeply missed and my thoughts are with his family as well. 43 is way too young.


Sigh. Doug Pappas is dead, John Brattain is now dead... and David Nieporent is healthy as a mule.

Best Regards,

Walt

Someone needs to work in a list of some sort.

I've put off posting here all day now, because I really don't feel like I can add anything worthy of John's memory, but here goes...


One day a duck walks into a pharmacy, looks up and down the aisles for a while and comes up to the pharmacist and asks
"Got any grapes?"
The Pharmacist responds..."no, sorry we're a pharmacy, we don't sell grapes"

The next day the duck returns again, walks straight up to the counter and again asks
"Got any grapes?"
The Pharmacist says "Uhm, I'm pretty sure I told you yesterday, we don't sell grapes...we're not OUT of grapes, we plain don't sell them...ever"

The third day the duck walks in again and waddles around, poking his beak a few places, all the while the pharmacist is seething behind the counter...
Finally the duck walks up to the counter and asks
"Got any grapes?"
The Pharmacist gives the duck a long stare, puts his hands on the counter and leans over, and says in a powerful voice...
"NO! We have no grapes, we are a pharmacy...we didn't have grapes yesterday, we won't have grapes tomorrow. What's more, if you come tomorrow asking for grapes again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor and blow your head off with a shotgun, got it?"
The duck meekly bows and walks out in a hurry

The day after that the duck walks into the phramacy again. The pharmacist immediately shoots daggers into him, and follows him closely as he walks around the store. Finally the duck walks up to the counter again, and meets the stare of the pharmacist. They stare in silence for 3 whole minutes.
Finally the duck asks...
"Got any nails?"
The pharmacist thinks, and slowly responds, "No..."
"GOT ANY GRAPES?"

Best Regards
Greg

Just some of the bloggers that John touched...

Baseball Loses A Great Writer And Humanity A Great Person

Goodbye Bones

Baseball Writer John Brattain Passed Away

BDD Loses One of Its Own…Farewell to Our Good Friend John Brattain

John Brattain

A Death In The Family

A Sad Day for Hardball Times, Baseball Fans

Death in the Blogging Family

Good night, funnyman

The World is Less Funny

In Honor of John Brattain

I don't have time to read them all. Which one was penned by Murray Chass?

Fine time to double post.

Fine time to double post.

Hey, they all push us towards the Promised Land of 500.

"Sigh. Doug Pappas is dead, John Brattain is now dead... and David Nieporent is healthy as a mule."

I will be so impudent as to say that all 3 might enjoy this sentiment......

Godspeed John...

I stumbled upon Baseball Reference, and onto Baseball Primer shortly afterward. It's amazing the ways in which my life has changed during the eight years I have been a part of this community.

Primer has been an important part of my life since November 2003 as well. I knew that more than ever when reading this thread crying.

Top 60 things overheard during meatwad's air force career:

The U.S. Air Force recently declassified some documents. Other quotes from Airman Latowski’s tenure have been released…

60. "He invaded Paris? (sigh) We’re not talking about France--are we?"

59. "Soldier, we appreciate your zeal for national security but I can assure you that the WAC's shower room is not harbouring terrorists."

58. "That was the Nevada State Police again. They found another 'mutant baby'--I told you it was a mistake to assign Latowski to Area 51."

57. "Latowski just reported that he blew up 'The Death Star' ... I think we can safely classify this as one of those 'don't ask, don't tell' scenarios."

56. "How there be no missing files? You just said all the WACS in the JAG office are missing their briefs."

55. "THE 3000 MILE CLUB IS NOT A LEGITIMATE REASON TO COMMANDEER THE SPACE SHUTTLE!!"

54. "Who hooked up SETI to the 'Playboy Channel'?"

53. He said making Screwdrivers with Agent Orange adds a little kick..."

52. "Does he have to yell 'BOMBS AWAY' every time he uses the latrine?"

51. “Is that the guy who thinks the landing strip is an exotic dance?”

50. "We've would've evacuated the entire city in record time if we didn't put Latowski in charge of the YWCA."

49. "Any idea why he puts on a name tage with 'Reveille' on it and stands outside the women's barracks every 6:00 AM?"

48. "It's a communique from Washington, they're accusing our base of habouring weapons of mass conception."

47. "You don't get your wings from the base pharmacy now take that silly thing off your uniform."

46. "His boots are always that shiny before he goes over to see the WACS."

45. "...AND ANOTHER THING: STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF AS MAJOR JOHNSON!!!"

44. "Is he the guy that thought 'cockpit' was slang for a WAC?"

43. "I don't get it, he was all happy when he told he'd have to spend three hours in the simulator but he's been so cranky since he's gotten out."

42. "He must have just returned from furlough, the PX is out of antiseptic, bandaids and prophylactics."

41. "Either its a new unbreakable code from Intelligence or its another report from Latowski."

40. “Yes sir, the cargo is utterly secure. Man, where did he learn to tie things up like that?”

39. “I realize it‘s sacrilege to hang ‘Old Glory’ that way Captain but still, you've got to admit that it's pretty impressive.”

38. “He said he was rehearsing a part for an upcoming USO play ‘Skanks in Tanks.’”

37. “Well the WACS certainly respect him. Every time he's speaking with one they're on their knees.”

36. “I was showing the STD film to the newest recruits AND HE WAS IN IT…REPEATEDLY!!”

35. (phone conversation): “Well sir, after I put Latowski on security detail he put the base on high alert and went to the secretarial pool to perform body cavity searches” (pause) “No sir, I don't know what he meant by ‘LOOK…NO HANDS!!’”

34. “If he says he ‘digs fox holes’ so much why isn't he in the army?”

33. “Latowski is back from his stint in Baghdad. He said in nine months there'll be an increased American presence in the region. Any idea what the hell he's talking about?”

32. “Well suh, what ah said was that since 9/11 that whorin’ tara is a reality and that ah expect ev'reh soldiah to do his paht. He saluted and said ‘Yes sir! I’ll find her sir!’ and he's been AWOL evah since.”

31. “He claimed that the country Nasa had invaded Texas air space and he shot down the biggest-assed fighter jet he'd ever seen.”

30. "He said: 'If I can't take a WAC into my bunk during inspection then the terrorists have won.'"

29. "I guess we'll have to order more Purple Hearts then."

28. "When posed with a question you will answer this court martial tribunal with 'yes sir,' 'no sir,' 'I don't understand sir,' or 'could you repeat the question sir.' You will not answer this tribunal with 'eat it #######'...do you understand?"

27. "I'm serious, he hung an 'Area 69' sign over his barracks door."

26. "I served in Korea, I served in 'Nam, I served in the Persian Gulf and I've never seen a manscaping wound like that before."

25. “According to Sgt. Susan Morgasm’s maternity leave request she yelled at Latowski: ‘I am your drill sergeant…do you know what a drill sergeant is for??’”

24. “Is it just me or do we seem to be going through a lot more chaplains lately?”

23. “According to Airman Latowski, Corporal Bartman felched that live grenade voluntarily.”

22. ““How could he be AWOL? He showed up in eight different bed checks last night.”

21. "(sigh) Son, what I said was: 'Would you please demonstrate to the general the proper execution of Operation J.'"

20. "Why did we have to show 'Top Gun' in the rec' hall? Now all he does is sing 'Highway To The Erogenous Zone.'"

19. "Whaddya mean 'Do I remember Greenland'?"

18. "I don't care if she's proud to be a member of the mile high club the general is still gonna be pissed."

17. "THERE IS NO FREELANCING IN THE AIR FORCE!!!"

16. "O.K. who replaced the oxygen mask with a bong?"

15. "This is gonna make 'Tailhook' look like a boy scout jamboree by comparison."

14. "No we don't give Purple Hearts to guys who smoke while doing shots of Everclear and jet fuel...we make them officers."

13. "All I'm saying is that there appears to be a lot more WAC's going on maternity leave lately."

12. "Are you talking about the guy who yells " I'm right here ####### " during roll call?"

11. "Look, I don't mind when guys paint shark faces on noses of their jets, but that's just plain smutty."

10. "Dammit, it was Air Force One...we can't simply call it a 'friendly fire' incident."

9. “This is a day that will live in infamy…”

8. "Call the embassy and wake up the ambassador...again."

7. "So explain to me again what 'Def-Con Latowski' is again?"

6. "Well, look on the bright side, NORAD was due for an upgrade."

5. "There's a lot of static sir, all I could get was 'Wrigley Field' and 'smoking crater'...."

4. "Is Richie Phillips in charge of JAG? Because everybody just resigned."

3. “PETA just called sir, something about a beagle sitting on top of a doghouse that just got blown to hell.”

2. "General, have you seen the movie 'Fail-Safe?' Well it's kind of like that."

1. "Tower to Latowski 'Outta the way #######' is not the proper code for landing clearance."



thanks john

This sucks. He was the most consistently decent person I've ever known through the internet.

For John's sake, I hope the God he believed in is real; but #457 reminds me that, when considering who is allowed to flourish and who is made to suffer, it's more likely that that God doesn't exist at all -- or that He's a different sort of God, and actively, enthusiastically evil.

It's really too bad. I feel for the irl people close to him. Anyone as intelligently cheerful as John was on the internet is likely to be irresistibly lovable in person. Everyone will miss him here; irl, the sense of loss must be immeasurable.

John made stathead material readable. As such, he humanized what is damn near inhuman (and often subhuman). Nerds have lost their best ambassador evar. I'm sure many will be offended by the backhands in the previous sentences, but John would've seen them as I meant them: as a compliment to him from across the baseball-ideological aisle.

Best regards,
Retardo

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Best Regards

Guts

My joke contribution:

Derek Jeter won a gold glove.

Best Regards,
Athletic Supporter

sigh.

Reading the front page of the site at this moment, it seems God was busy descending on Ichiro. Bad timing.

I still laugh when I think of John's old blog title "The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort" and apparently when I type it too. I think John would be glad about that, at least. Thanks for the laughs, you pun-loving guy.

The patient had made it through the difficult and dangerous surgery and was resting comfortably in his room. Two rather distinguished doctors arrive.

"John, you probably don't remember me but my name is Dr. Ackbar and I was the last minute replacement for your surgeon, who was called in to assist on a celebrity case"

"Your case presented some interesting challenges so I brought in Dr. Randal here who is the biggest..."

"Doctor, he is laughing so hard he triggered a heart attack!"

"Nurse, go into the next room and get the emergency cart..."

"Yes doctor"

"... and Tina, don't disturb the patient, it is some actor named Colin Farrell"

...and everything went fuzzy and dark for a timeless moment, then John woke to a wizened old man with a long flowing gray beard, and the bearded man took John's hand and led him through a gate, pointing into space beyond he said...

"Behold"


With the absolute best regards, John!

A cruise ship sinks and the only two survivors are this guy and Jessica Alba.

HW -- that would have been funnier if the man had turned out to be Sam M and he'd wanted to call her, ohh, Keith maybe. Different punch line though. :-)

change the prayer for a grant of $500,000,000.

Hell, there's that much in the sofa cushions at the Vatican.

There's a single dad with a son. He's so bitter that his wife left him that when his son approaches puberty he tells him, everyday, "Son, one day you're going to want to have sex with a woman. But let me tell you -- their pussies have teeth and right after she's done with you, she's gonna bite off your dick!"

Needless to say, after several years of this, the boy was a little wary around women. But he finally meets a sweet, patient girl. He's wild about her and she's wild about him. So she can't understand why he's never tried to have sex with her.

One night they're on the couch, kissing, petting. They're both getting pretty worked up and she grabs his hand and leads him to her bedroom. Everything's going just fine until, again, he starts freaking out.

"What is it?" she screams. "Why won't you have sex with me?"

"I know what you're gonna do when you're finished with me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You're gonna bite off my dick with your vagina."

"What???"

"You're gonna bite off my dick -- I know you got teeth in your #####."

"Are you nuts? Who told you that?"

"Dad."

"That crazy coot? Haven't I told you a million times that man has filled your head with nonsense."

"My Dad wouldn't lie to me about something like this."

"OK. Look, what if I show you I don't have teeth in my #####."

"Well ... maybe."

She lays back on the bed, takes off her panties and says "C'mon, take a good close look."

He peers in.

"Go on, you can stick your finger in and feel around if you want."

He hesitates a bit -- who wants to lose a finger -- but figures that's better than losing his dick. So he feels around a bit.

"See, no teeth," she says.

"No ... but look at the state of those gums!"

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

Best Regards
James

first of all john brattain is on great writer look at baseball digest and baseball think factory and the hardball times with aaron gleeman. so in ten years became on the a-list of posters and john is in demand now, now he is writing about baseball in heaven with doug pappas. and he also worked with craig burley on batters box which was great by the way. and larry mahnken in the petco thread. so he worked with a lot of great big writers. and was great in synaptic flatulence and on the ozzie guillen thread with jack keefe. so john is a way better writer than murray chass. im responding to the post from ballfan about at least murray chass got some bbwaa membership under his belt but john is funnier and a better writer and he is getting alot more diggs than murray. so please did you see murrays last blog post about piazza called acne gate. need i say more the post sucked as hell and even the cranks said worst blog post of the century. it only got 50 comments from bored posters at bbtf now thats sad.

best regards,
tina

I think it took me until page 4 before seeing "Best Regards" in another post stopped giving me hope that there was another Brattain post to read, a Pavlovian reaction from all these years of reading him, and knowing those two words meant there would be a very creative, often funny post to read.

Kudos to Harveys and #330.

Sorry, John, no jokes to share in your farewell thread, but I can promise that tomorrow I will laugh a little more with those close to me, and I will be much less concerned with, and heck maybe even laugh at, all those little annoyances that life brings about.

Dear God,

JOHN FREAKING MABR...BRATTAIN?!?

Signed,
Primates Everywhere

Best Regards

James

I'm sick of people like Albert Belle and John Brattain having their careers end at a young age.

How do you recycle a condom?

turn it inside out, and shake the f### out of it.

Best Regards,

wr

Why do gorillas have big noses?

Because they have big fingers.

Best Regards,

wr

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?

Because they can.

Best Regards,

wr

You guys always come up with those crazy pages that show all A Rod stories and A Rod links, designed to look like a BTF page. I suggest to you that if everybody changed their handle to Best Regards, if even for a day, we could make one of those crazy pages happen, for real.

Best Regards,

wr

from an interview John gave in 2006

My dad was a Yankees fan however and at the time I just enjoyed watching games on our little black-and-white television. I was about three or four years old when I was first introduced to sports cards. Mostly NHL, CFL and MLB--and I was immediately hooked.

However then something incredibly cool happened. We heard that Canada was getting a major league baseball team--the Montreal Expos. It felt like the first time you were invited to play road hockey with the big kids. The NHL and CFL were as normal as snow to a boy from Canada but this was an invite to play with the big boys down south. I remember in kindergarten the teacher would give us a big sheet of paper and fold and unfold it so we could paint a picture on either side. Well one side had a picture of Mudcat Grant and the other Coco Laboy (I thought the names were so awesome at the time which is probably why I remembered them)--at least that's what they were supposed to be. I imagine they probably looked like somebody had puked up a pizza on the paper.

As to the Blue Jays--the initial excitement was when it looked like the San Francisco Giants were coming to Toronto. Alas it was not to be. My disappointment was short-lived as it was announced that Toronto was getting an expansion club. About this time my older brother and I were into sibling rivalry in a big way. My brother was a Montreal Canadiens fan and I cheered for the Maple Leafs (try growing up throughout the 1970's dealing with that!) so I decided to jump onto the Blue Jays bandwagon so my brother could have the Expos and I the Jays. Of course we were fans of both clubs but it didn't stop us from getting into arguments over which team was better.

Repoz, here was my post from yesterday

Best Regards,

Larry

A duck walks into a bar. He asks, "You got any duck food?" The bartender says no.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar again. He asks, "You got any duck food?" The bartender says, "NO!"

Next day, the duck walks into the bar again. He asks, "You got any duck food?" The bartender says, "NO! and furthermore, if you come in here asking that again, I'm going to nail your stupid little webbed feet to the floor!"

Next day, the duck walks into the bar again. He asks, "You got any nails?" The bartender says no. The duck asks, "You got any duck food?"

Best Regards,

Tim

When I saw his name on an article, I always knew I was in for a well-thought out and easily understandable post.

I don't come around much anymore but whenever I did, I hoped to come across one of John's comments. Like all great funny men, John has left us wanting more.

He could disagree without ever being disagreeable.

How many people on the internet can you say that about?

It is a rare trait and will be missed. I'm still stunned.

Has Jack Keefe weighed in yet, or is he too busy trying to make the ChiSox as the 5th starter/longman?

I am utterly shocked. I loved his writing and his sense of humor.

He will be badly missed.

Such sad news, so sorry for his family. He made baseball more fun and more interesting, and he'll be missed.

I have not much to say that hasn't been said. It's odd, and fascinating, that this place has become a community. I often speak of you posters to my wife and she has said she thinks she knows some of you through that. It's a place I've come to laugh, argue and share observations. John was one of the pillars of that community (and of many others, judging by a quick scan of the material provided here and, I'm sure, his "non-online" community). As with most of you, I never met the man in person, but was always impressed by his online character. If that character is anything like he was in real life, those closest to him have been dealt a terrible blow. He seemed a great guy and I'll miss seeing his posts and will regret never getting to share a joke in person with him.

Doctor: You're going to need surgery on your heart.
John: What a re-pulse-ive idea!

...

Doctor: You're going to need surgery on your heart.
John: Why I aorta whelp you!

Best regards.

In keeping with the punny humor:

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”

Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”

The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

Best Regards,
Alex

David Samson's first frat party.

May he never go a day without someone making fun of his height.

I had the most distinct honor of having one of my would-be comedic bits dubbed "Brattainian" by someone -- only last week as a matter of fact.

And here it is (regarding Team Italy's starting 2B):

Carnac (holding envelope to forehead): "The answer is 'Punto.'"

(Opens envelope, blows into it, removes card)

Carnac: "What does an Italian do on 4th down?"





All I can say is "Ah, ####!"

R.I.P., John

Before his time. Man, that's awful for his family.

Never take health for granted.

Once again, Samson outlives a Goliath.

Best regards,
Dan

Damn. I was hoping the best joke of all would have been if the thread had ended (and been closed) right at 499.

OK, not really.

But John would have loved it . . . .

Short and sweet...

First man says "I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra c*ck."

Second man says "Anabolic?"

First man replies "No, just a c*ck."

Best Regards

Penguin jokes, eh?

Penguin walks into a bar. "Say," he says, "anyone here seen my father?"
"No," says the bartender, "what's he look like?"

An e-mail that John once sent me:

I have to get up early on a Sunday, log on to Primer and get the following message:

"BaseballThinkFactory.org is Offline
September 25, 2005, 6:00 AM, EST

The site will be offline for approximately 15 minutes for server maintenance.

Sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks for your patience.

Jim Furtado"

Not satisfied with the site, you had to after the entire *server*?

Don't you ever sleep or do you plot against BTF 24/7? *g*

Best Regards

John

Sigh. Doug Pappas is dead, John Brattain is now dead... and David Nieporent is healthy as a mule.

An overweight one, if that helps.

Why a mule? Are mules unusually healthy animals? Couldn't it be as healthy as a zebra? Or a koala?