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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

WEEI: Thorton: The geeks will inherit the earth

Thorton…Theophilus south? Wilder than anything you’ve evah read!

But not everyone has evolved the same way. There is a growing subculture of stats-crunching troglodytes among us, and I for one am frightened that these mouth-breathing, greased stained Gollums might actually be influencing something vital to our national interest. Namely, the 2010 Red Sox. They’re like the nerdy fanboys from “Galaxy Quest” being asked to use their ridiculously detailed knowledge of the show to save the world for real. I mean, consider Bill James, who is like a god to these Sabremetric trolls. He’s made an industry out of making up silly, useless formulae to prove things like Alex Gonzalez should be bussing tables in the Fort Myers Waffle House, and yet Theo has given him a position of power and influence in his inner circle. It’s the equivalent of my old Missle Command skills getting me a job with NORAD or my Bill Belichick building a gameplan around my Coleco electric football offense.

So as a public service to all like-minded fans, concerned Red Sox citizens worried about the direction the Nation is headed, I’d like to put my ex-Stat Geek skills to us and offer my own formula for judging all statisticians. Let’s call it the NSGR/MMUSRI (Nerdy Stat Geek Ridiculous/Meaningless Made Up Statistic Rating Index). You take any new, obscure baseball evaluation stat and you start with the weight of the guy who invented it, times how many days he’s been wearing the same “Han Solo Shot First” T-shirt, divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life, multiplied by how often his mom cooks his meals add how many days a month he sees the sun times the percentage by which he throws like a girl.

Then you throw them all out and go with what your eyes tell you. And stop wasting our time with this Sabremetrics foolishness.

Repoz Posted: March 10, 2010 at 08:56 PM | 38 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: fantasy baseball, red sox, sabermetrics

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   1. I Am Not a Number Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:22 PM (#3476894)
Snark. (I don't have the energy to be any less generic than that.)
   2. Misirlou cut his hair and moved to Rome Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:22 PM (#3476896)
I thought it was the Greek.
   3. JJ1986 Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:26 PM (#3476902)
You take any new, obscure baseball evaluation stat and you start with the weight of the guy who invented it, times how many days he’s been wearing the same “Han Solo Shot First” T-shirt, divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life, multiplied by how often his mom cooks his meals add how many days a month he sees the sun times the percentage by which he throws like a girl.


I'll bet Thornton scores infinity in this stat. That's pretty good.
   4. Jon T. Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:26 PM (#3476903)
This column is a joke, right? (and not a funny one)
   5. Crashburn Alley Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:27 PM (#3476904)
It's 100% a joke. Look at the guy's archive. He's trying to be funny.
   6. SoSH U at work Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:27 PM (#3476905)
Look at the Red Sox roster as it’s currently constituted: While there’s still a core of blue chip, proven, battle-tested baseball lifers who’d be winners in any era … the Pedroias, Becketts, Lesters, Papelbons and Youkili. And suddenly, a legit All-Star like Jason Bay is body-snatched away and replaced with Mike Cameron with his 70 RBI but his to-die-for Rtzhm (total fielding runs above average at home) numbers.


Because this wouldn't have been complete without a touch of racism.
   7. birdlives is one crazy ninja Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:46 PM (#3476936)
The geeks will inherit the earth


but they don't want it.
   8. villageidiom Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:48 PM (#3476938)
Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up.
   9. Cowboy Popup Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:49 PM (#3476941)
Because this wouldn't have been complete without a touch of racism.

Is that racist? This guy's issue seems to be with defensive stats right? I mean, its incredibly stupid to suggest that Cameron, a great defensive CFer who has managed to play fulltime into his age 38 season is somehow a guy who wouldn't have been a good ballplayer in some other era (assuming he were allowed to play), but I don't think its racist.
   10. cercopithecus aethiops Posted: March 10, 2010 at 09:59 PM (#3476951)
He's trying to be funny.

He shouldn't quit the day job.
   11. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: March 10, 2010 at 10:06 PM (#3476964)
Worst.....column.....ever.....

Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
   12. The District Attorney Posted: March 10, 2010 at 10:23 PM (#3476994)
Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up.
I did look it up, and that's not true.
   13. Dale Sams Posted: March 10, 2010 at 10:28 PM (#3476998)
I'll bet Thornton scores infinity in this stat. That's pretty good.


You didn't?

(185*0)/ (2,155*0)+ (15/0)
   14. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: March 10, 2010 at 10:35 PM (#3477008)
I did look it up, and that's not true.


Its not if you use your head. But it feels right, nerdlinger!
   15. villageidiom Posted: March 10, 2010 at 10:43 PM (#3477015)
I did look it up, and that's not true.
That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut.
   16. My Grate Friend, Peason Posted: March 10, 2010 at 11:09 PM (#3477031)
The geeks will inherit the earth


Did Rainier Wolfcastle write this?
   17. SoSHially Unacceptable Posted: March 10, 2010 at 11:10 PM (#3477032)
I mean, its incredibly stupid to suggest that Cameron, a great defensive CFer who has managed to play fulltime into his age 38 season is somehow a guy who wouldn't have been a good ballplayer in some other era (assuming he were allowed to play), but I don't think its racist.


As I said, a touch. Interesting that all of his baseball lifers who would be successful in any era are white dudes, as is the body-snatched Jason Bay, while the replacement is not.

If this was going for straight belly laughs, it failed. If it was satirizing anti-stathead hysteria, well it don't think it really succeeded at that either.
   18. Crashburn Alley Posted: March 10, 2010 at 11:26 PM (#3477043)
The guy was just going for pageviews. He clearly succeeded.

BTW there's nothing racist about anything he said. Let's stop trying to find racism in everything people say.
   19. SoSHially Unacceptable Posted: March 10, 2010 at 11:35 PM (#3477048)
BTW there's nothing racist about anything he said. Let's stop trying to find racism in everything people say.


Fair enough. Can I still find his reportorial decision that all of his "blue chip, proven, battle-tested baseball lifers who’d be winners in any era" share a common characteristic that the new import doesn't a questionable choice?
   20. Dale Sams Posted: March 10, 2010 at 11:43 PM (#3477052)
Can I still find his reportorial decision that all of his "blue chip, proven, battle-tested baseball lifers who’d be winners in any era" share a common characteristic that the new import doesn't a questionable choice?


He should have picked Bill Hall or Beltre. Of course Beltre belongs in the Hunter thread.
   21. Crashburn Alley Posted: March 10, 2010 at 11:59 PM (#3477057)
@19

I think the most striking thing about his "classification" is how most of the "blue chip, proven, et al" guys are appropriately decorated by Sabermetrics as well.
   22. SoSHially Unacceptable Posted: March 11, 2010 at 12:13 AM (#3477063)
I think the most striking thing about his "classification" is how most of the "blue chip, proven, et al" guys are appropriately decorated by Sabermetrics as well.


Well, to me it seems a variation on the old "gritty, gamer" tag that is not typically a province of minority ballplayers. Honestly, his grouping may have been accidental, in which case it's just kind of sloppy.
   23. JJ1986 Posted: March 11, 2010 at 12:21 AM (#3477067)
You didn't?


I think the mom cook's thing is supposed to go in the numerator.
   24. The Most Interesting Man In The World Posted: March 11, 2010 at 12:39 AM (#3477079)
BTW there's nothing racist about anything he said. Let's stop trying to find racism in everything people say.

Shut up you racist.
   25. Don Malcolm Posted: March 11, 2010 at 12:54 AM (#3477084)
But then, I made an amazing discovery. Something that the Stat Geek population doesn’t know and never will. Women. And it changed my life forever, in much the same way that Blossom’s life changed in that Very Special Episode where she gets her period, I would never be the same. As I recall, the exact moment for me came when Phoebe Cates climbed out of the pool in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and took her top off in slow motion to the Cars’ “In Stereo” that did it for me. What Phoebe showed me that day was perfection. I wanted to have them and I was willing to do what it took to get them.


Why couldn't something like this have had the same effect on Rob Neyer?? (ducking)

This is more sexist than racist, why stop there? Picking on 38-year old ballplayers is age-ist, too.

I think the most striking thing about his "classification" is how most of the "blue chip, proven, et al" guys are appropriately decorated by Sabermetrics as well.


Well, yes. Some post-neo types have even decided that old gritty players are cool--there's no limit to the strides we can make if we talk out of both sides of our mouth at the same time!!
   26. jyjjy Posted: March 11, 2010 at 01:07 AM (#3477094)
Interesting that all of his baseball lifers who would be successful in any era are white dudes

It was a list of Red Sox so...
Anyway the whole article is a joke. If the perspective presented in the article is racist it is part of what he is make fun of. Or trying to at least.
   27. Joyful Calculus Instructor Posted: March 11, 2010 at 02:49 AM (#3477142)
[13] There is no second "/" in the formula, at least by the way it's stated in [3]. It's (weight) * (days wearing Han Solo shirt) / (time had sex) * (mom cook meal rate) + (days seeing sun per month) * (throw like girl rate).

I don't think you could actually add the two quantities since they have different units, and pretty crazy units at that.
   28. base ball chick Posted: March 11, 2010 at 03:47 AM (#3477162)
Don Malcolm Posted: March 10, 2010 at 07:54 PM (#3477084)

But then, I made an amazing discovery. Something that the Stat Geek population doesn’t know and never will. Women. And it changed my life forever, in much the same way that Blossom’s life changed in that Very Special Episode where she gets her period, I would never be the same. As I recall, the exact moment for me came when Phoebe Cates climbed out of the pool in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and took her top off in slow motion to the Cars’ “In Stereo” that did it for me. What Phoebe showed me that day was perfection. I wanted to have them and I was willing to do what it took to get them.


- so then the author had gender reassignment surgery?

hmmmmmmm

perhaps this is why he/she is such a boob
   29. Andrew Edwards Posted: March 11, 2010 at 04:40 AM (#3477184)
Come on, no one who truly hates geeks knows that Han Shot First
   30. The Polish Sausage Racer Posted: March 11, 2010 at 08:23 PM (#3477625)
Joke or not, I'd like to hear the argument that Alex Gonzalez should not be waiting tables in the Ft. Myers Waffle House.
   31. rlc Posted: March 11, 2010 at 08:58 PM (#3477649)
Joke or not, I'd like to hear the argument that Alex Gonzalez should not be waiting tables in the Ft. Myers Waffle House.

With his range, he'd be more valuable in the kitchen.
   32. Repoz Posted: March 11, 2010 at 09:08 PM (#3477666)
Bumpo for Craig K.
   33. Lassus Posted: March 11, 2010 at 09:14 PM (#3477671)
Did anyone ever figure out if this was actually an amazingly unfunny attempt at some kind of humor or just the writer being a complete dick? I'm not sure what the other options are, but I want to have it straight.
   34. Athletic Supporter is USDA certified lean Posted: March 11, 2010 at 09:57 PM (#3477703)
He is right to be worried about the prognosis for his hometown nine. Just look at what those geeks did to the 2004 Red Sox!
   35. CraigK Posted: March 11, 2010 at 10:06 PM (#3477710)
My bad. Thought today was the tenth and didn't see it on the front page.

I think it's satire, to be honest. For the love of my sanity, I hope it's satire.
   36. Rally Posted: March 11, 2010 at 10:19 PM (#3477715)
I for one am frightened that these mouth-breathing, greased stained Gollums might actually be influencing something vital to our national interest. Namely, the 2010 Red Sox.


I agree with this writer 100%. I wish he could influence more New Englanders to run the geeks out of town. It would have to go as far as replacing the owner, since he's a geek too. Then they could promote a real baseball man like Allard Baird ( he still works there, right) to run the team. That would be awesome.
   37. Fancy Pants Handle struck out swinging Posted: March 11, 2010 at 10:37 PM (#3477728)
divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life

You can't divide by 0, duh!

If I'm not the first to make that joke, I apologize, my eyes are bleeding from reading that, so I can't read any comments right now...
   38. OsunaSakata Posted: March 12, 2010 at 04:18 PM (#3478074)
We got through that article by the skin of our teeth in our town.

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